Tuesday, January 17, 2006
IT CHARS MY BACON
Cranky says there are two types of assholes: cunts and douchebags. I tend to agree.
I, for example, am a douchebag. Douchebags don't mean to be assholes. They just don't think.
Cunts are underhanded, malicious bitches. I aspire to be a cunt but am too nice half the time. Which results in much douchebaggery. I hate douchebags. I wish they'd just come right out and be cunts instead of putting up that false front of douchedom. It's so much more direct, and saves everyone valuable time otherwise wasted on beating around their cunty bushes.
To this end, I would like to say to the Douches and Cunts in my life:
DO NOT EVER FUCKING DO THIS SHIT TO ME EVER, EVER AGAIN OR I WILL REAM YOUR PUTRID FUCKHOLE WITH A 2x4 WITH A NAIL IN IT, regardless of whether or not you are actually female:
Ask this lady if this is my natural hair color or I'll forcibly bleach your pubes and eyebrows, you social retard. (Cunt.)
Ask anyone how much money they make. Ever. (Douchebag.)
Chew audibly. (Douchebag.)
Ask me shit that has nothing to do with me and then act put off when I can't find your answer, though I might try. (Cunt.)
Bring your vicious dog into my facility (or other public area) and then berate me for not "asking" before I pet it. (Cunt.)
Criticize my relationship(s) unless I am truly asking for an honest opinion. (Cunt.)
Touch me, ever. Especially in my Danger Zone (belly or below), unless I am sending some very specific physical signals, such as I am carrying your child. But ask first. See: cunty vicious dog owners. (Douchebag.)
Say you will "reimburse" me for any expense, ever. You can't reimburse money that I don't have. You thoughtless cuntwipe. (Cuntwipe.)
Send me e-mails suggesting I participate in "National Body Challenge" or e-diet.com. On the company e-mail, no less. Right after we just got another e-mail from HR entitled Reminder on Company policy regarding e-mails. And this person is in HR. Obviously they HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE. (Douchebag.)
Belittle someone else's job, even if they scoop Fritos for a living. They probably put up with nine times the shit for a fraction of your pay minus all of the benefits. Plus, the next time you need your Fritos scooped, you will only get a bag of stale Funyuns and a boot in the ass. (Cunt.)
If you are my neighbor, do not order a piece of furniture that you cannot fit through your own door without opening my door and then expect me to be at your beck and call when you decide to move it in. Oh, and by the way, you already "introduced" yourself to me...twice. And stop leaving your garbage bags on my balcony. Stupid crackhead. (Douchebag.)
Jesus Christ. Do I have to bundle all these Kibbles 'n Kunts up in a Havahart trap and send them to Texas in order for them to acquire some freaking manners?
That'll learn 'em.
IT CHARS MY BACONI, for example, am a douchebag. Douchebags don't mean to be assholes. They just don't think.
Cunts are underhanded, malicious bitches. I aspire to be a cunt but am too nice half the time. Which results in much douchebaggery. I hate douchebags. I wish they'd just come right out and be cunts instead of putting up that false front of douchedom. It's so much more direct, and saves everyone valuable time otherwise wasted on beating around their cunty bushes.
To this end, I would like to say to the Douches and Cunts in my life:
DO NOT EVER FUCKING DO THIS SHIT TO ME EVER, EVER AGAIN OR I WILL REAM YOUR PUTRID FUCKHOLE WITH A 2x4 WITH A NAIL IN IT, regardless of whether or not you are actually female:
Ask this lady if this is my natural hair color or I'll forcibly bleach your pubes and eyebrows, you social retard. (Cunt.)
Ask anyone how much money they make. Ever. (Douchebag.)
Chew audibly. (Douchebag.)
Ask me shit that has nothing to do with me and then act put off when I can't find your answer, though I might try. (Cunt.)
Bring your vicious dog into my facility (or other public area) and then berate me for not "asking" before I pet it. (Cunt.)
Criticize my relationship(s) unless I am truly asking for an honest opinion. (Cunt.)
Touch me, ever. Especially in my Danger Zone (belly or below), unless I am sending some very specific physical signals, such as I am carrying your child. But ask first. See: cunty vicious dog owners. (Douchebag.)
Say you will "reimburse" me for any expense, ever. You can't reimburse money that I don't have. You thoughtless cuntwipe. (Cuntwipe.)
Send me e-mails suggesting I participate in "National Body Challenge" or e-diet.com. On the company e-mail, no less. Right after we just got another e-mail from HR entitled Reminder on Company policy regarding e-mails. And this person is in HR. Obviously they HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE. (Douchebag.)
Belittle someone else's job, even if they scoop Fritos for a living. They probably put up with nine times the shit for a fraction of your pay minus all of the benefits. Plus, the next time you need your Fritos scooped, you will only get a bag of stale Funyuns and a boot in the ass. (Cunt.)
If you are my neighbor, do not order a piece of furniture that you cannot fit through your own door without opening my door and then expect me to be at your beck and call when you decide to move it in. Oh, and by the way, you already "introduced" yourself to me...twice. And stop leaving your garbage bags on my balcony. Stupid crackhead. (Douchebag.)
Jesus Christ. Do I have to bundle all these Kibbles 'n Kunts up in a Havahart trap and send them to Texas in order for them to acquire some freaking manners?
That'll learn 'em.
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