Tuesday, January 10, 2006
NEUROTIC DISCO
They say that women become increasingly neurotic as they age. I, for one, hold this truth to be self-evident.
Some of the sexy OCD-like behaviors I have developed:
1) Checking and rechecking. It takes me forever to leave the house. Am unable to exit without counting kitty noses and checking to see that all the appliances are off and/or unplugged. I get this behavior from my maternal grandpa, who can no longer see, so he just pats the stove burners to make sure they're off to OFF and jiggles all the knobs on the doors to see if the locks are locked. This drives my grandma nuts even though she's almost had her house burned down three times by a toaster. So if I come to your house, look out. I may unplug your toaster.
I tell myself, don't do that, you are driving yourself nuts, but don't you know that will be the day Mr. Black & Decker decides to torch the place.
Also, I'm almost invariably late, because I'm busy forgetting things. Cranky once made fun of me when, during an argument, I stomped out, but had to come back three times to get various things. Note to girly drama queens of both sexes: this is much less effective than one sweeping exit.
2) Sniffing that which should not be sniffed. Examples: The cat's feet, which smell like stale Fritos tossed with Feline Pine in a cat pee vinaigrette. The crotch of my pants (don't ask. You do it, too. C'mon, admit it.) My wrist, which has been on a mouse pad shared with others and sometimes one desperately reeking, Susan security guy. I know it will smell like ass, and yet I sniff it anyway. Have been known to spray self with Lysol. Am thinking of purchasing own mouse pad. Am thinking of purchasing own chair. There's nothing worse than a chair warm from someone else's Moist 'n Meaty hindquarters.
3) Looking up my nose in the mirror 42x/second. Makes me look extremely vain, but I'm just paranoid because every time I don't check it a big, gross stalactite appears and I have a five minute conversation with my boss and nobody tells me.
When going to the dentist, this behavior multiplies x3000 because at that angle, those fuckers can see all the way up into your brain.
In combination, these three moves must appear similar to "the junkie shuffle". This is ridiculous. I need meds.
NEUROTIC DISCOSome of the sexy OCD-like behaviors I have developed:
1) Checking and rechecking. It takes me forever to leave the house. Am unable to exit without counting kitty noses and checking to see that all the appliances are off and/or unplugged. I get this behavior from my maternal grandpa, who can no longer see, so he just pats the stove burners to make sure they're off to OFF and jiggles all the knobs on the doors to see if the locks are locked. This drives my grandma nuts even though she's almost had her house burned down three times by a toaster. So if I come to your house, look out. I may unplug your toaster.
I tell myself, don't do that, you are driving yourself nuts, but don't you know that will be the day Mr. Black & Decker decides to torch the place.
Also, I'm almost invariably late, because I'm busy forgetting things. Cranky once made fun of me when, during an argument, I stomped out, but had to come back three times to get various things. Note to girly drama queens of both sexes: this is much less effective than one sweeping exit.
2) Sniffing that which should not be sniffed. Examples: The cat's feet, which smell like stale Fritos tossed with Feline Pine in a cat pee vinaigrette. The crotch of my pants (don't ask. You do it, too. C'mon, admit it.) My wrist, which has been on a mouse pad shared with others and sometimes one desperately reeking, Susan security guy. I know it will smell like ass, and yet I sniff it anyway. Have been known to spray self with Lysol. Am thinking of purchasing own mouse pad. Am thinking of purchasing own chair. There's nothing worse than a chair warm from someone else's Moist 'n Meaty hindquarters.
3) Looking up my nose in the mirror 42x/second. Makes me look extremely vain, but I'm just paranoid because every time I don't check it a big, gross stalactite appears and I have a five minute conversation with my boss and nobody tells me.
When going to the dentist, this behavior multiplies x3000 because at that angle, those fuckers can see all the way up into your brain.
In combination, these three moves must appear similar to "the junkie shuffle". This is ridiculous. I need meds.
|
