Monday, January 23, 2006
NOT IN THE MOOD
My attitude is so piss-poor today, I'm not even in the mood for enchiladas. Not in the mood for lunch with my co-workers. Not even in the mood for love.
So here, instead, is the beginning of a list I am compiling in collaboration with the lovely and evil genius, Avatar.
I think she already has the "winning" ditty, but I'll let you (and your rapidly shrivelling 'nads) decide.
THE TEN WORST SONGS TO GET IT ON...TO
Fuck you for saying I can't end a sentence with a preposition.
Now, remember kids, while you consider each of these songs, you must actually visualize ugly people boinking. "Enjoy."
1. Springtime for Hitler . I actually witnessed this happening once. Please don't ask me how.
2. The theme from Barney, The Teletubbies, Bear in the Big Blue House...basically any children's show theme would be incredibly disturbing. Except Sesame Street (not the 70's version. The modern one is kind of hip-hoppy. I think it even shows the Statue of Liberty bumpin' its butt...also disturbing.)
3. Howard, the Duck. I know. I'm an 80's reject. But even as an eleven year-old, I hated this movie, hated Lea Thompson's "rock star" and her stupid crimped hair, hated the mini-condom toting duck. Hate, hate, HATE. See also: "Macho Duck", from Mickey Mouse Disco, which I'm sorry to say I once owned.
4. Tiptoe Through the Tulips by Tiny Tim. Only about six things wrong with this one, four of those being: 1) Tiny. 2) Tim. 3) -toe. 4) ukelele.
5. The theme from Sanford & Son, as illuminated so graphically by Zombie Flyboy, wherever he may be. The theme from The Jeffersons is pretty bad too, judging by all the hate (voice)mail I got when I had it on my outgoing message.
6. The Lollipop Guild from The Wizard of Oz; pretty much anything else sung by midgets, dwarves, "little people", Oompah Loompahs, what have you.
7. Play That Funky Music, White Boy by Wild Cherry. Someone once described an ex of mine (very white, very un-funky, tragically unhip) dancing to this in an inebriated manner. Nearly put me off my feed for a week.
8. Tie: The Hokey Pokey & The Electric Slide. Remember doing these at the roller rink...? Can't you just smell the feet?!?
9. The Hustle. Someone once teased me that I was conceived to this in the 70's, which made me picture my parents not only having sex (eeyucch), but hirsute & wearing those horrid white polyester disco stretchpants. Hello, nightmares.
10. Super Trouper by ABBA (sorry, Anne...maybe it's just Swedish guys named Benny and the jumpsuit thing again.) This song could be used as an effective form of birth control. Not to mention the dumbest lyrics ever (language barrier?) To wit: Tonight the Super Trouper lights are gonna find me\Shining like the sun (Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)\Smiling, having fun (Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)\Feeling like a number one...[HOW, exactly, does one feel like a "number one"?! That can't be good.]
11. ("this one goes to eleven")...What is Love? by Haddaway or anything techno and typically played at bad Armenian wedding receptions. Unless you are a tweaker, this would just be embarrassing.
12. Dis-honorable mention: The Smurfs Theme. The la-la-la-la-la-la jobbie, not this number.
Pick a winna, pick your butt, leave your own suggestion, or fuck a duck.
NOT IN THE MOODSo here, instead, is the beginning of a list I am compiling in collaboration with the lovely and evil genius, Avatar.
I think she already has the "winning" ditty, but I'll let you (and your rapidly shrivelling 'nads) decide.
1. Springtime for Hitler . I actually witnessed this happening once. Please don't ask me how.
2. The theme from Barney, The Teletubbies, Bear in the Big Blue House...basically any children's show theme would be incredibly disturbing. Except Sesame Street (not the 70's version. The modern one is kind of hip-hoppy. I think it even shows the Statue of Liberty bumpin' its butt...also disturbing.)
3. Howard, the Duck. I know. I'm an 80's reject. But even as an eleven year-old, I hated this movie, hated Lea Thompson's "rock star" and her stupid crimped hair, hated the mini-condom toting duck. Hate, hate, HATE. See also: "Macho Duck", from Mickey Mouse Disco, which I'm sorry to say I once owned.
4. Tiptoe Through the Tulips by Tiny Tim. Only about six things wrong with this one, four of those being: 1) Tiny. 2) Tim. 3) -toe. 4) ukelele.
5. The theme from Sanford & Son, as illuminated so graphically by Zombie Flyboy, wherever he may be. The theme from The Jeffersons is pretty bad too, judging by all the hate (voice)mail I got when I had it on my outgoing message.
6. The Lollipop Guild from The Wizard of Oz; pretty much anything else sung by midgets, dwarves, "little people", Oompah Loompahs, what have you.
7. Play That Funky Music, White Boy by Wild Cherry. Someone once described an ex of mine (very white, very un-funky, tragically unhip) dancing to this in an inebriated manner. Nearly put me off my feed for a week.
8. Tie: The Hokey Pokey & The Electric Slide. Remember doing these at the roller rink...? Can't you just smell the feet?!?
9. The Hustle. Someone once teased me that I was conceived to this in the 70's, which made me picture my parents not only having sex (eeyucch), but hirsute & wearing those horrid white polyester disco stretchpants. Hello, nightmares.
10. Super Trouper by ABBA (sorry, Anne...maybe it's just Swedish guys named Benny and the jumpsuit thing again.) This song could be used as an effective form of birth control. Not to mention the dumbest lyrics ever (language barrier?) To wit: Tonight the Super Trouper lights are gonna find me\Shining like the sun (Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)\Smiling, having fun (Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)\Feeling like a number one...[HOW, exactly, does one feel like a "number one"?! That can't be good.]
11. ("this one goes to eleven")...What is Love? by Haddaway or anything techno and typically played at bad Armenian wedding receptions. Unless you are a tweaker, this would just be embarrassing.
12. Dis-honorable mention: The Smurfs Theme. The la-la-la-la-la-la jobbie, not this number.
Pick a winna, pick your butt, leave your own suggestion, or fuck a duck.
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