Thursday, January 26, 2006
TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT ME
Vampy tagged me but I'm starting my own meme, because I'm an asshole like that.
1. I hate people. Truly, madly, deeply, 3/4ths of the time.
2. Sometimes, I smell. Also? Back fat.
3. At times, my patience is for shit, even with small children and certain hairy animals named Yippy. The former make me twack out and my left pupil spasms uncontrollably if they're around me too long.
4. I can't let it go.
5. If you are: a) smarter, b) prettier, c) younger, or d) make more money than me, I hate you. Unless: you are a but not b; b and c but not a or d; e) really deserve it, or f) I want to f) you. If not, I just p) pee on you. You make me sick. I only like you if you are q) an impotent paraplegic named Crusty John who's missing a nostril and only able to pronounce one word (fuh...!) And let's face it, that guy probably gets more than me.
6. If you don't love me back, I will beat you to the ground and grind you into the dirt over a number of years until you at least pretend you do. Then, as you are preparing your half-assed and long-overdue proposal, I will leave you for a thirty five year-old Dungeons and Dragons enthusiast who wears green tights, goes to Renaissance faires, and collects comic books named Brian.
7. If you are a female, you probably inherently piss me off (see: 5). If not, I will probably develop a pseudo-lesbian crush on you (unless you don't happen to look like this) and, once spurned, deeply resent you. Then, I will punish you by introducing you to your future husband so you'll live miserably ever after, and no, I will not come to your wedding. I think people should be taxed on that shit. Don't even get me started on baby showers.
8. If you are a guy, I probably think you want to sleep with me. If you do, gross. If you don't, I hate you. There is no way to win with me. Except with brownies. Special brownies.
9. Have I told you lately that I hate you? Other than that, I'm all love. Yeah. Oh, and I try not to bag on people's appearance (see: back fat), but if they piss me off? That's the first thing I go for. Then, the throat, followed by the scrotum.
10. I'm a jerk with the attention span of a tsetse fly; I think I'm a late loser (as opposed to late bloomer); I think I've developed a learning disability, and I'm starting to think maybe I should have taken Crusty John's phone number. (Anyone know of a good sperm clinic...?)
SO THERE.
Now you...!
TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT ME1. I hate people. Truly, madly, deeply, 3/4ths of the time.
2. Sometimes, I smell. Also? Back fat.
3. At times, my patience is for shit, even with small children and certain hairy animals named Yippy. The former make me twack out and my left pupil spasms uncontrollably if they're around me too long.
4. I can't let it go.
5. If you are: a) smarter, b) prettier, c) younger, or d) make more money than me, I hate you. Unless: you are a but not b; b and c but not a or d; e) really deserve it, or f) I want to f) you. If not, I just p) pee on you. You make me sick. I only like you if you are q) an impotent paraplegic named Crusty John who's missing a nostril and only able to pronounce one word (fuh...!) And let's face it, that guy probably gets more than me.
6. If you don't love me back, I will beat you to the ground and grind you into the dirt over a number of years until you at least pretend you do. Then, as you are preparing your half-assed and long-overdue proposal, I will leave you for a thirty five year-old Dungeons and Dragons enthusiast who wears green tights, goes to Renaissance faires, and collects comic books named Brian.
7. If you are a female, you probably inherently piss me off (see: 5). If not, I will probably develop a pseudo-lesbian crush on you (unless you don't happen to look like this) and, once spurned, deeply resent you. Then, I will punish you by introducing you to your future husband so you'll live miserably ever after, and no, I will not come to your wedding. I think people should be taxed on that shit. Don't even get me started on baby showers.
8. If you are a guy, I probably think you want to sleep with me. If you do, gross. If you don't, I hate you. There is no way to win with me. Except with brownies. Special brownies.
9. Have I told you lately that I hate you? Other than that, I'm all love. Yeah. Oh, and I try not to bag on people's appearance (see: back fat), but if they piss me off? That's the first thing I go for. Then, the throat, followed by the scrotum.
10. I'm a jerk with the attention span of a tsetse fly; I think I'm a late loser (as opposed to late bloomer); I think I've developed a learning disability, and I'm starting to think maybe I should have taken Crusty John's phone number. (Anyone know of a good sperm clinic...?)
SO THERE.
Now you...!
|
