Thursday, February 02, 2006


To Maine, on his something-thecond birthday: a pitcher of my piss.*

*urine shown is not my actual urine.
**I think what he actually wanted was a pitcher of my puss.
*** Sorry. It's not what you think. Perv.

So I have looked further into that article sent to me by linkless wonder, Alexander Supertramp, and this whole trucker bomb situation is a lot more serious than I thought.

Selected quotes:

Embarrassment causes most truckers to toss their bombs onto the side of the road instead of placing them where they belong..."are you really going to walk into a gas station with a giant yellowish gallon of milk so you can dispose of it properly?"

Uh, yes. That would be ideal. In fact, I would like to dispose of it properly by NOT WHIPPING MY SCHLONG [which I do not have] OUT AND INSERTING IT INTO A MILK JUG IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I shudder to think of what they do for waste of the brown variety, or, if they don't even stop to pee, what else they don't do. Like SHOWER.

Plus there's the fact that some hookers work exclusively out of truck stops. I pity the poor gals. P.U.

BUT WAIT, there's MORE!:

Filling up bottles is not the only disposal method in use by some truckers. Hoses that run from the driver's seat to the outside of the truck are in use by some, Millis said.

Some truckers even make mini-bombs they use to even the score with pesky automobiles, Millis said.

"I have heard of some truckers filling up Ziploc®**** bags and tossing them at cars that speed or cut us off."

ATTENTION, ALL DRIVERS: DO NOT BE PISSING OFF DE TRUCKERS, or you may get pissed on. Also, do not drive around them, beside them, or even look at them, or we'll call you "Mellow Yellow," quite rightly.

At least there's hope:

Wyoming this year increased the maximum penalty for littering bodily fluid to nine months in jail and a $1,000 fine.

No spooging out the window, either. Not even if Maine swears it's Drive-By Bukkake Day. Noooo. That sh*t is harder to get off than bird fuck.

People, using chemical weaponry made out of your own personal ick isn't just inconsiderate, it's against the law. Even if it is really, really funny:

"Some truckers throw these 'trucker bombs' out the window and lawn mowers sometimes run over them."

Oh, now isn't that poetic? I feel a song writing session coming on. Or a "mowers 'hit them, they explode'" haiku:

O, lovely pee bomb
Roadside resplendent amber
[Mowers] Hit them, they explode

"The [lawn mower] operator ends up wearing this stuff," Randy Dobyns told state senators.

My official response: ew.

Some states have gone so far as to appeal to truckers themselves, but Warfield recalls how that backfired on a colleague in Arizona. "He did not get a warm reception," she says.

Okay, I think they're taking this pee analogy a bit too far...

JOURNALISTS OF AMERICA: please do not use the words "warm" or "backfired" in an article about pee, or I will pee-bomb you. Godawful puns are BAD.

To the rest of you, I say: give a hoot - don't pee-lute.

*WHACK* *pow!* *SPLOOSH*!

****I wonder how the dairy industry and SC Johnson: "A Family Company" feels about this...? Perhaps they should start a new line of opaque "trucker milk" cartons and PeeBags: Explode on Their Windshields, Not in Your Hands!™ lines, respectively.


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