Today has been so hair-pullingly, slamming-own-head in door-edly, three ring dumbass circus-demented, I wish I just had dorsal and ventral ganglia instead of a brain, and could answer all stupid/paranoid/control-freakish bullsh*t questions in the manner of the crab in this commercial.

CRANKY: You're breaking my ______!/Stop doing/not doing _______!!!
ME: I pinch.

FUCKTARD: Why didn't you do this thing, that really isn't your responsibility, but we need a scapegoat, so why didn't you...?
ME: I want to pinch.

ASSFELCHER: What's that on your head...? Did you go to bed with wet hair? Har, har...I will now bend over right in front of you, by accident.
ME: Maybe little pinch...?

DICKSMACK: I am an incredibly obnoxious self-important prick, and will now condescend to you.
ME: Why no pinch?

UNDERWEAR MODEL: Hi! I do not care if you are fat. I am here to give you a car, a house, and a large sum of money. Oh, and have I mentioned that I am rather well-endowed...? Also, I will now shampoo your geriatric cats, naked, every day, for free.
ME: No pinch, no pinch...no pinch.

Yeah, in my next life being a crab may not be such a bad idea. For example, CRABS IN SPACE-!:

The crustacean subjects appeared remarkably unperturbed by the whole experience, according to researcher Roberto Araujo.

I want to be "remarkably unperturbed".

Hrm. Looks like crabs can handle just about anything...dickhead boss? Flaming retardo-schlong of a boyfriend? A--hole cat? Like Shel Silverstien wrote, "it's all the same to the clam." [Crab.]

Just so long as I don't come back as a pubic crab louse.