Friday, March 24, 2006


Okay, ad execs. Stop beating around the bush and just spit it out.

What I gathered from my Thursday night TV dumb-down-a-thon, is, apparently:

Washington Mutual wants us to start calling them "WaMu™," like they're our buddy. To this, I say, FORGET IT. NO. We are NOT pals; you are a large, monied, financial institution, and we are the folks you get your money from with fees and etc. when it might actually behoove some of us to start keeping it in the mattress. Now shut up, or we will start calling you "'Shi-toMu™," or something.

Always? What have I told you? There are no "happy periods", so stop telling us to have one-! A maxi pad is not a lawn chair, aeroplane, or pinball machine. There is NO pinball game in our pants during "that time," I assure you. (Don't even get me started on "Always Fresh Sniff".) Now stop trying to make it fun, or else break out the vibrating maxis, and possibly a ben-wa tampon, BITCH.
And now, in a similar vein (ew)...

Seasonale® commercials, instead of "Fewer periods. More possibilities.™" (and a woman selecting a pink chair, shoe, balls [we wish], etc.) should just come on out and say, "you will have your period less so YOU CAN HAVE SEX MORE. NOT BLEEDING = PENIS.") I have no idea what else all this pink sh*t is supposed to symbolize, other than drops of blood/stains on clothing. And what's with the pink balls?! Sadly, having your period less often does NOT give you balls, OR a penis. No. Also, you will still have to sit on a pink chair/yoga mat because of breakthrough bleeding. I guess that's what they mean by that. And the woman painting a giant blood clot? Nice touch. Klassy.

New Gatorade Rain (say that fast, three times) needs to fuck itself, because rain is not a flavor. Neither is "Frost", or "Xtremo," or new "Mango Electrico." In fact, they should just change the brand name from "Gatorade" to "MinorityAde," because that is so blatantly their target market, because obviously, according to them, only white people are smart enough to know that shit is bad for you. Gatorade = the suck.

Also the suck: its cousin, Propel Fitness Water (proposed name change: Gatorade for White People)'s ads featuring giant pieces of fruit everywhere, yet flashing the caption, CONTAINS NO FRUIT JUICE, need to go to hell. Instead of fruit, they should show large bottles of whatever chemical poo they put in that crap to make it taste kind of like fruit. Ish.

Similarly, ads with old/average guys trying to pick up gorgeous young women should say, DO NOT ATTEMPT; ads featuring actresses with fake boobs should be captioned, NOT HER REAL BOOBS, and models eating cream cheese-infused snacks should flash, MODEL CONTAINS NO ACTUAL FAT AS SHE OBVIOUSLY WOULD RATHER THROW HERSELF DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS THAN EAT ANYTHING WITH A FAT CONTENT, as she obviously would rather throw herself down a flight of stairs than eat anything with a fat content. (Can you say, "spit bucket"?)

Oh, man, all this false advertising makes me mad. And it is not just 'cuz I am having my pink ball. Which, by the way, in reality, should be a big, reddish-brown, nasty-assed clotty basketball, but I'll spare your lunch.

Kiss my pink whatever. I'm goin' out to buy a bunch o' red clothes and furniture, for me to bleed on.


This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?