Thursday, March 09, 2006


Some more advertising trends I'd like to nip in the bud.

1) Sparklies. Alright, Diet Coke. That damn "Starry-Eyed Surprise" Svedish-lookin' underage bint was very pretty. But did you really have to start, with the sparklies...? 'Cuz she'll be 18 soon, and I really don't want to see sparklies shootin' out her a** when she fails to get another commercial/music video/sh*tcom/part on The O.C. and resorts to doing high-def anal. Thanks. Oh, and some cell phone? Sprint? commercial jobbie, too. Chicks are dancing, cats are jumping, sparklies-a'flyin. I assure you, kittycats do not shoot sparklies when they jump down from the TV, which they have probably been using as a vantage point/launch pad for distance-hurling hairballs. If anything, their paws shoot used gritty kitty litter. Oh yeah, and Fresh Step? You too. Cats do not spread sparklies o' freshness and flowers when they scratch in the litterbox. They only spread #1 and #2. And Diet Coke does not make you sparkle, it makes you bloated and it makes your teeth rot. Deal with it, bitches.

2) Bad dancing. Jimmy Fallon "I can't dance, but I will-!" Pepsi nightmare, Vonage (dude doing bitch-slap motion in background while his wife pretends they didn't just totally plan that, rehearse it, and do 35 takes before that one). The sexy, sexy "Push It" guys - I forget what the spot is for, I am so mesmerized by their gyrating pelvises. "That's repulsive" -Grandma Esther. Frankly, I kind of like it, but should probably kill this trend before that damned dancing baby comes back. GAH.

3) Fucking with candy/candies fucking. You know, Jen has a point, though I am always intrigued and keen to put new and exciting things in my mouth (ups). However, don't f--- with the sh*t that's already good, especially if it's from the 70's/80's, and is therefore essential that it remain unchanged (for the nostalgia factor). Case in point: M&Ms. Not to mention that M&M "M-azing" commercial of the chocolate and the M&Ms lying side-by-side, down by the fiyah, is the stuff soft porn is made of. And I'm still pissed off about them changing the colors. I did not need to be eating sh*t that is Smurfilicious-blue. Also, the damn candy bar has now replaced the spot formerly occupied by the regular peanut M&Ms in the vending machine, pissing me off(for I can no longer lob them into my co-worker's mouths like trained circus seals) and disrupting an entire floor; Hershey's has candy-coated their Kisses, which for some reason, makes them appear even more doot-like than the original brown ones (They look like SORRY! pieces.-Editor, The Sopranos Gross.-M.D., TV Editorial); chocolate in my peanut butter, peanut butter in my chocolate, and cookies in my everything; Juicy Fruit [gum] has made a mint, and a racist commercial to go with it (sister w/ obviously fake Afro parading around w/ crazy ass cracker marshmallow-lookin' Carl Rove motherf@#$er and claiming to be Doublemint "twins", somebody call the NAACP); Altoids [mints] are making gum (sour gum, as if anyone wants their breath to be more sour); the Duff sisters are still confused about whether Liquid Ice is liquid or ice (nice try, Jessica Simpson wannabes - now THAT's pathetic - wanna-be wannabes), and, by comparison, I suddenly find Miss Piggy highly erotic; dogs and cats are living together, the sky is falling, etc. And I have that not-so-fresh feeling, and need a shower, but don't even want to start in on bath and body products. I just want to go back to the 70's, and my poop-brown M&Ms. Sniff.

It seems now that resistance is futile. Oh, fuck me in the ass with minty freshness and fist me with Febreze. I have given up (note: all these people are sniffing my a** and liking it.)

"I am a consumer whore. And how-!" -Don Hertzfeldt


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