Saturday, May 13, 2006



What's goin' on, Marvin Gaye, in shitty list form:

1) My boss, after maybe 10 yrs. of utter bullsh*t on his part, FINALLY, got fired. He ruled with an iron...something.
2) I have been a nervous damn wreck because he seemed to make me the focal point of this, the Evil Vortex/Source of all His Problems. Which is not uncommon. See: Cranky.
3) Now everyone thinks I, alone, am the reason for said termination. (Like I am some sort of Danger P*ssy/Bond Girl. AS IF I weren't the one asked for some "boxes...large boxes" and told I might want to "take a break, go for a walk, some...stuff is going down", and didn't later have to be gently coaxed out of the bathroom, where I was crying, by a nice man in a white coat on his cell phone.) Some are ready to throttle me based on the fact that that guy had promised them a raise and/or time off for their trip to Hawaii. Whee-! I just love how people set aside their selfish interests for the greater good, don't you...?

As for the reason for said sh*tcanning, well, that I'd rather not go into, but suffice to say, it was, and is, TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. The gossip, though, varies. Some apparently think:
a) it was sexual harassment (please - give the guy some credit)
b) I was having an illicit office romance with another co-worker which conspired to get rid of him; also? That I reported their fool selves to HR, as well, on Mystery Occasions, for various and sundry Mystery Reasons;
c) he was abducted by space aliens, or
d)'uh. It was his own damn fault.
4) Needless to say, I have a) lost 15 lbs. from stress and need to b) go on anti-spazz medication, and/or c) enter the Witness Protection Program. As much as this guy suspected/loathed/cockblocked me from getting anywhere within the company, I'm not entirely sure he won't d) put a bullet in my brain. Lovely.
5) Other than that, I have done (or NOT done) the following...you be the judge:
6) Had a Hasidic Jew with a blowtorch in my crotchial area. I know I'm with Cedars-Sinai®, but this is ridiculous. Hopefully the first and last time a guy with a yarmulke says to me, "please remove your panties."
7) Spent $12.99?! For cat litter?! For them to poop on?! (Thanks, Avatar...now we are kitty litter sisters, or poo sisters, or some sh*t.)
8) A lot.
9) B-b-b-Biddy and the Sh*ts is feeling better even though he keeps trying to make me blow his stomach tube in the night ("...still of the night! Still of the night! STILL OF THE NIGHT-!!!")(wasn't "Blow My Tube" also an 80's hair band anthem?); there is now feeding tube spooge on the ceiling in three different rooms, not including Cranky's; but now Zippy, 17, is not-so-hotsa. HELL. Need to take out insurance policy on my remaining p*ssy.
10) Someone kept calling my cell phone repeatedly at SIX IN THE DAMN MORNING. I ignored it until I could no longer tolerate the intrusion, only to have some chicklette ask who I was, because she had apparently found my number in her boyfriend's cell phone. Great, a jealous psychobitch, I thought, and told her never to call me again. But she did, and left a voice message while I was on my way to work. Here is an exact transcript:

Alright, well, Pisser, or Sandy, or whoever this is, I don't know who this is, but, apparently, your number is in me and my boyfriend's phone book and THAT's why we had called. So, I don't know if you know Angel, I don't know if you're a customer or what, but. Um. I just wanted to see who this was, there's no issue, if you need any, um...party favors, weed, crystal, cane, uh, chiva, anything like that? We got it on deck! ...probably a customer, so, anyway! Sorry about the early call. Didn't mean to do that. Misdial. PEACE.

"Party favors"?! Is that what you kids are calling it these days.

I am halfway wondering if I should sic the fuzz on her, if for no other reason, for calling at SIX IN THE DAMN MORNING, but the way things are going, I think I'd have to start attending N.A. (Narcs Anonymous) meetings. If there even is any such thing.
11) Now what?!
12) Chickenbutt.


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