Hello, could I interest you in a Nutrageous Scrat...?

How about a Scurryin' Scrat (Spanish: Scrat Escurridizo)?

No...?

What's that? You're trying to cut down a little?

Well, then.

I am actually quite bummed because, while wandering the aisles at Target en route to their pharmacy to purchase shoes and Prozac (what? Shoes are anti-depressants because your feet, in general, do not feel fat), I came across this toy I know Mattel will be pulling almost immediately, because a) it's not on their website, and b) it is funny.

The packaging, not pictured here, is a perverse diorama of the two possums, or sabre-toothed squirrels, or whatever the hell they are, going all Brokeback on each other, in some sort of dorsal-ventral mating pose. One of them is even yelling, "WHEE!"

Ah, here you go...Toss 'N' Tumble Possums. Riiiiiiiight:

Your child will love playing and cuddling with these lovable stuffed possums. When combined, Crash and Eddie measure 10" tall.

Uh, yeah. "Playing" with those 10" "possums" sure is "fun".

Come to think of it? Tug 'N' Talk Sid doesn't look much less perverted:

Tug ‘n’ Talk Sid garbles his speech when the “ice cube” is placed on his tongue.

I'll bet he does, I'll bet he does-! PHWOAAARR...!!!

UP WITH PLUSHIES-!! Let's hope they're at least washable.

P.S. I'm not the only one who's sick...please say a little prayer for him....ZIPPY FOREVER! CANCEROUS TUMORS, NEVER-!

Thank you.