After all that has happened, one would think I would no longer be annoyed by petty, superficial b.s. like television commercials.

Sadly, this is not the case.

I am really bothered by those Yaris (probably Latin for "Annoying, Zippy Little Car Driven by Dickless Pig-Men") commercials, because they are mean. Cute little robotic spider things and piggy banks do not deserve to be plonked on the head, vivisected, and smushed by mean old bad stupid cars I've never heard of, anyway.

Likewise with those Volkswagen spots where the unsuspecting passengers are deeply involved in stupid, meaningless conversations which were obviously improvised rather than scripted and then, Rrrrrrrt...! get slammed into by a car. Probably because I recently got slammed into by a car. And I'm sure I said a few choice words, but I'm pretty sure "holy..." was not one of them. Who almost dies, and all they have to say about it is, "holy..."?! SHIT. COME ON OUT AND SAY IT. SHiiiiiiiiiiiiT. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.

Carl's, Jr., who can't not seem to make a commercial that is either intensely annoying (Paris Hilton), sexist (Paris Hilton), or just gross (Paris Hilton), has rolled out a doozy with a white trash trucker chick eating taco salad with her legs spread. I guess we are supposed to think that is hot somehow. Is it? I am confused. I feel dirty, like a truck stop hooker, er, lot lizard, not sexy. I just feel like I've been to Texas.

Somebody up my meds, please.