So, I had to request my medical records from the hospital for my lawyer. Unfortunately for you, I made the error of reading them, because I was curious.

Big mistake. And I thought that being knocked out of my shoes and having my pants fall down in traffic, hearing the police talk about my "flank" and "extensive front-end damage," and then being cut out of my clothes by a team of cute firemen/paramedics was embarrassing...actually, that was kind of enjoyable by comparison.

There is such a thing as too goddamned much information, and I'm going to give it to you now, so if you are easily barfed out, and/or, say, a male cousin of mine, you might want to stop reading HERE. I will tell you when you can resume looking.

You know, I was kind of wondering if the scans could see certain, embarrassing things, and I was right...they can see EVERYTHING.

Horrified, I read off the radiology report:

Rectal tone (!!!) showed normal tone and normal sensation (uh, I was screaming my head off, and laughing hysterically, while the ER doctor said, "and THAT'S so you don't come back to the hospital-!" after putting his finger up my butt in front of about 10 people, but okay...)

More posterior in the subcutaneous tissue there is stranding of the subcutaneous fat (EW!!! STOP LOOKING AT MY SUBCUTANEOUS FAT-!)

There is mildly increased stool in the colon
OKAY, you guys see TOO DAMN MUCH. I keel you now-!

And most horrifying of all...
Gas in the vagina most likely represents a tampon.

GAS IN THE VAGINA?!!! What else would it be...? Queefs?! Ben Wa balls? Balloons filled with cocaine? Hamsters?!? Is THAT where Bin Laden has been...?!?

Scratch that, I don't want to know.

OK, MATT, YOU CAN START READING AGAIN NOW-!

Uh...

The End.