Wednesday, July 19, 2006

I HAVE 18 WHA...?! 

Once upon a time, I lived with some hippies who liked to meditate. People would call and ask, "is Crunchy Granola, the floor-dwelling PitStank, there...?" and I would have to tell them, "uh...not really."

Then, I would trip over their astral-projecting asses on the living room rug on my way out the door to the mailbox to get the electricity bills they expected me to pay because technically, they were a vegetable and could live on photosynthesis.

I have not thought about these hippies until today, when
one of this asshole's 18 bodies cut me off in traffic. Yes, we do not have one body; we have 18, according to this dead guy. I learned this later because on the back of his follower's Tahoma's big ass was this URL:

http://18body.com/ and "There is Only One Way to Purify the Mind!"

I, of course, thinking it was smut, had to investigate. There, I "learned" the following:

1) Obviously he was too busy trying to locate his mind to pay attention while driving, or to wait his turn before barging into oncoming traffic after illegally driving in the turn lane for 2.9 miles, like a weasel, with his bigass truck and his bigass sense of entitlement. ("Enlightenment", my ass.)

2) "The nonsensical things that we think of actually make us sick."
Uh, if that were true, I would be, like, dead already.

3) "Our minds are like clear, luminous crystal balls."
Ben-Wa balls, or...? Shit. I guess my mind is neither clear nor luminous.

4) "The natural, pure center of the mind is clean, clear and luminous but it is tarnished by five entrances: eyes, ears, nose, tongue and skin."
Um...I think I have a couple more entrances. What do I do NOW?! Phoning Mommy...am I a freak...?

5) It is important, when your house is considered a "temple", to have attractive metal burglar bars on all your windows. And forget to take out your trash before taking the picture.

6) Here are some people vegetating. I mean, meditating.
Notice that while clearing the mind of material possessions and the "things of the world", it is important to carry a knockoff designer bag.

7) It is also sometimes helpful to hold a really ugly afghan pillow or wear a hideous silky jogging jacket from 1986 with slacks and black dress socks. Also, I think that might be the lady who hit me with her car.

8) You should visualize a clear crystal ball entering your left nostril (for girls) and your right nostril if you have a penis. I guess both if you are Mighty Hermaphrodite.

9) Do not attempt to snort the clear crystal ball. The clear crystal ball is not crystal meth, either.

10) The clear crystal ball's name is "Samma-Araham", which you should say three times, do the Hokey Pokey, and turn yourself around, because that's what it's all about. See, you put your head in...

11) You have now reached third base with Samma-Araham. Don't you feel violated.

12) Samma-Araham is NOT for playing pinball with. Instead, you should visualize Samma-Araham at the roof of your mouth and then deep within your throat.

13) DO NOT entertain fun thoughts about Samma-Araham. Or, for that matter, what Vishnu could do to you with his four horny arms.

Your mind is a filthy, dirty marble that has been rolled in dung. NO kelp biscuit.

13) If you accidentally swallow Samma-Araham, listen carefully when you're on the toilet in case you "pass" the clear crystal ball. Otherwise, Samma-Araham will have to sleep with the fishes and giant pet alligators in the sewer, who will then achieve enlightenment. But you, you will remain shitty, having shat out your crystal ball on the toilet. Loser.

13) You should only name any children you have as a result of "meditating" on Samma-Araham either Dharma, Karma, Ramrod, or Samma-Araham Jr., the third. For the first trimester, you must feed exclusively on mung bean sprouts, after which you may consume only human placenta for the remainder of your pregnancy - no animal flesh is allowed except boiled, poached, or sautéed afterbirth. (Do NOT place your placenta in a Fry Daddy, as this is too fattening.) You will then plant your offspring in the garden and water them once a week.

13) I stopped at 13 because I like 13.

13) I have decided, completely independently of this site, that the world is filled with giant gumdrops and lollipops and that there are no cars, so everyone hops around on pogo sticks naked except for a flowery bonnet (even the boys)(ESPECIALLY the boys), that the sky is not blue, but mauve; and that my head is like an orange filled with lint, except prettier.

13) You should really not attempt to transcend the body while driving, as it still counts as a moving violation even if you are sitting still in the hocus-pocus retarded lotus position, like a dead possum on the highway. Do not attain Nirvana in the turn lane.

Don'tcha just love L.A. sometimes.

I HAVE 18 WHA...?!

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