Friday, August 11, 2006


I was gonna write about TERROR IN THE SKIES, but this is more important.*


A kinkajou (Potos flavus) is a tree-dwelling mammal native to Central and South America, and may appear tame-ish and curious, but still a wild animal which is NOT a pet and is also illegal to own in Los Angeles (unless you are a rich stupid useless waste of human life and filthy rich, and just...filthy...for some reason).

Its turn-ons are: trees, fruit, insects, the occasional bird's egg omelette, living in its native rainforests, PANAMA! (not Van Halen; the country), biting, clawing, hiding in tree holes and being left the f---- alone.

Its turn-offs: being awake during the day, the fox, tayra, Tyra Banks, the margay, jaguar, ocelot, and the jaguarundi; noise, sudden movements, Los Angeles, shopping, and Paris Hilton.

You see, the kinkajou is just like you and me. Let it be, let it be.

I agree with this guy...by "owning" a wild animal, Paris is making a desperate, last-ditch bid for attention/various and sundry cock. Ooh, look at me, look at what I have, an exotic animal. See how unique and special and pretty it is, and it's mine. I have it. PAY ATTENTION TO ME!! LOOK!!! IT IS ON MY...ow!!!

Yep, attempting to keep wild animals in captivity makes people feel special when THERE IS NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT THEM AT ALL. PARIS: THIS MEANS YOU.

And so, to commemorate this righteous biting, I will now name my firstborn "Baby Luv," but that is a fucking stupid name, which is probably also why it bit Paris...therefore, my future son, daughter, or pet Paris-biting dog will be called, "Kinkajou".

Kinkajous...reeeal American HERRROEEES!

Also, dude says that if he was given the choice of having Paris Hilton anywhere, anytime, anyhow, or hitting her repeatedly with an aluminum baseball bat? His answer would be, "BATTER UP!" That is why he is allowed to be my friend. And also kinkajous.

The End.
*See, like Paris and her exotic animal trade, I am part of the problem, not part of the solution....by paying any attention whatsoever to her...at all. Muttering I really don't see why can't we just send her to Iraq/Iran/Lebanon, as a peace offering - she is the physical embodiment of everything that is wrong with Western civilization. They blow her up, kinkajou goes free (if he hasn't already had his head sliced off for rabies testing)...everybody's happy...! G.W.: THINK ABOUT IT.


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