Tuesday, August 01, 2006
KITTENING
Or, How to Be the Best (Worst) Kitten Possible, with your host, Beaker.
1) You should make as much noise as your tiny lungs can manage, preferably a long, sustained, "MEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWROOOOOOOOWWWWRRR," at feeding time. This will inspire love in your person and strike fear into the hearts of your enemies, which include (but are not limited to):
a) curtain rods
b) Things on Top of Other Things (you are strictly against this and must swat all stacked objects to the ground ASAP.)
c) Things Hanging From Other Things, i.e. laundry, mini-blind cords, testicles, etc. are also strictly prohibited.
d) Bra straps are evil and must be destroyed. Bite them, pop them, do your worst.
e) Bows on underwear are also not to be trusted and should be stamped (or clawed, or chewed) out.
f) Transparent objects, such as shower curtains or Tupperware bowls, which you can see through, but somehow cannot pass, are infuriating and not to be tolerated. Perhaps you can eventually claw through them. BE PERSISTENT. No object can remain solid for long in the face of a determined young feline.
g) Other cats, even larger species, should be attacked repeatedly head-on. Total disregard for the fact that they are approximately sixteen times your size is your practice and your creed.
2) When it is time to lose your baby teeth, take them out in style by chomping down on an entire mouthful of human tissue, preferably someone's boob.
3) Smells - particularly foul ones - are fascinating and require your immediate and undivided attention. Pay no attention to the human on the toilet, as they are only impeding your investigation. Seek out any opening or structural design flaw, such as the crevasse between the buttocks, and thrust your head forcefully into the bowl, inhaling fully. Savor the aroma; you are in Flavor Country.
4) No strings are off-limits for your personal batting enjoyment, even when they are currently being used for their intended purpose. This includes dental floss, string cheese, and tampon strings.
5) If anything is denied you, turn into the thing from Mask:
Uncanny, huh...?
6) Play hard. Sleep hard. Conserve energy by practicing narcolepsy:
Position A.
Position B.
Figure C.
KITTENING
1) You should make as much noise as your tiny lungs can manage, preferably a long, sustained, "MEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWROOOOOOOOWWWWRRR," at feeding time. This will inspire love in your person and strike fear into the hearts of your enemies, which include (but are not limited to):
a) curtain rods
b) Things on Top of Other Things (you are strictly against this and must swat all stacked objects to the ground ASAP.)
c) Things Hanging From Other Things, i.e. laundry, mini-blind cords, testicles, etc. are also strictly prohibited.
d) Bra straps are evil and must be destroyed. Bite them, pop them, do your worst.
e) Bows on underwear are also not to be trusted and should be stamped (or clawed, or chewed) out.
f) Transparent objects, such as shower curtains or Tupperware bowls, which you can see through, but somehow cannot pass, are infuriating and not to be tolerated. Perhaps you can eventually claw through them. BE PERSISTENT. No object can remain solid for long in the face of a determined young feline.
g) Other cats, even larger species, should be attacked repeatedly head-on. Total disregard for the fact that they are approximately sixteen times your size is your practice and your creed.
2) When it is time to lose your baby teeth, take them out in style by chomping down on an entire mouthful of human tissue, preferably someone's boob.
3) Smells - particularly foul ones - are fascinating and require your immediate and undivided attention. Pay no attention to the human on the toilet, as they are only impeding your investigation. Seek out any opening or structural design flaw, such as the crevasse between the buttocks, and thrust your head forcefully into the bowl, inhaling fully. Savor the aroma; you are in Flavor Country.
4) No strings are off-limits for your personal batting enjoyment, even when they are currently being used for their intended purpose. This includes dental floss, string cheese, and tampon strings.
5) If anything is denied you, turn into the thing from Mask:
6) Play hard. Sleep hard. Conserve energy by practicing narcolepsy:
Position A.
Position B.
Figure C.
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