Monday, August 07, 2006


My Letter of Resignation
Dear Boss,
My resignation letter will be multiple choice, possibly due to the fact that I am left with no choice but to resign.

Could it possibly be because:
a) You took a two week vacation to freaking Iceland without putting my raise through first?
b) Said raise was only enough to buy an extra bag of chips/week, or
c) A frozen pizza...?
d) "Sorry...that's still not enough for pizza." -Kat
e) You would not shut up about your yuppie scum trip you were booking when you should have been processing my long-overdue raise
f) Two for flinchin'
g) Your first act as Manager? Was to adjust the coffee:water ratio. BASTARD.
h) You have a pointy head.
i) You outsourced 2; your predecessor promoted like, four people* over my pointy head
j) He also was an alcoholic abusive wino with a literacy problem and paranoid delusional rageaholism; when he (FINALLY) got fired, guess who got his job..? YOU. And what thanks did I get? Bupkis.
k) They all said I "got him fired" for sekshul hair-assment
l) Then they said I was hair-assing you (or you were hair-assing me - I'm not sure. Where do I end and you begin?) when in reality, there wasn't even no touchie-touchie, goddamnit...I mean, well, nowhere good. Not on purpose. That wasn't...an accident. I know when I'm not wanted...sort of.
m) I do not come cheap.
n) Sometimes, I do not come at all.
o) Heh, heh. You can't afford me. Neener, neener, neener.
p) Throwing a bagel fragment at me and saying "rowr" is not positive reinforcement.
q) It sucks only being paid bimonthly when I need money, like, biweekly. Even when I don't have my cycle. For chocolate and cotton ponies. And the union people, who make enough to go two weeks between checks, get it every week. Paid, not my cycle.
r) You took my candy without paying.
s) For two years, I got squat: I never got an increase or a review last year at all due to Insaney; this year, you dragged your feet for 2 months before you wrote mine, and even now, it hasn't gone through.
t) Not to mention you can't/won't/forgot to do anything about last year's review which I didn't get because of Alky Alkerson. (I'm sure this is my fault somehow.) But by "we don't have a budget for that" and "that would raise some red flags," I take it you mean I should:
1) put that in my (crack) pipe and smoke it;
2) sit on it and rotate,
3) go piss up a rope, suck an egg, and
4) jump in a lake.
u) Fuck (u).
I am going to stop 'living the dream' on _________ (insert date here) and will go and work for the competition, just out of spite. 'Cuz they pay weekly + free catered lunch. WoO-!

Thanks for the opportunity your help/mentorship the bagel crumbs.

Oh yeah, and sorry about that sexshul-hair-assment thing...

Miss Corporate America.

*The four people they hired over me into better jobs were:
1) Two 19 year-olds
2) Guy Who Sleeps on the Job and they took pictures of him and now he's our screensaver;
3) Wonky Eye with an Afro who didn't send me flowers when I got run over by a car, but did send them to two people who had elective surgery, one runner whose wife O.D.'ed, and our Ecuadorian valet, who is not even an employee, and a paartridge in a pear tree.


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