Tuesday, September 19, 2006


Because, I said so:

1) Everyone who is a working stiff goes to the post office at lunchtime. Do not go to the post office at lunchtime. Go in the morning or after work, if you can get away.

2) People who do not have to work for a living, such as stay-at-home moms with kids in tow, should not go to the post office at lunchtime. This is just stupid. The kids get cranky and whiny from having to stand and wait in line, which in turn makes everyone else in line cranky and shooty and stabby...not a good scene.

3) People have weird butts. Also, people do not necessarily wear the most flattering clothes for said butts, for example, if they are lumpy and wide? They wear pants which resemble a circus tent layered over a termite fumigation tent on top of a muumuu and make them appear even lumpier and wider.

My butt? Ranges from sad and flat to saggy and sad. I need a butt bra. Therefore, I try to find pants which either make it look less flat, less saggy, or at least give it an anti-depressant suppository. Or else, I roll in something, so that the smell will distract people from my depressing butt.

The moral of the story is: do not go to the post office unless absolutely necessary. If absolutely necessary, do not go at lunchtime. If you have to go at lunchtime, check first to make sure you have no kids. If you discover that you do have kids, tie them to the hitching post outside, and also, do not go. If you must go, do not wear depressing pants. And if you insist both on going and on wearing dangerously unflattering pantalones, please do not stand in front of me in line.

Thank you.


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