Thursday, October 05, 2006


I am terribly confused by the following commercials. Please help.

Pizza Slutt - I am not even so much as confused, but annoyed by the Three for $5 Guy. He gets 3 Pizza (The) Hut ("because you ARE a hut") pizzas for $5/ea. and commences to yell, "Oh, YEAH!" like that Kool-Aid jug that used to bust through brick walls (how did he do that without shattering his jug glass? And what was his name, anyway? Kool & The Gang? No, taken. Sugar Tits McPitcher? Juggly?), then proceeds to dance and whirl around like it is the happiest day of his life, giggling like a girly pizza dervish. WHY is he so excited? Because he is cheap? It's not that good. Is he having a crisis of gender? This is creepy. Director: this guy can thank you for totally emasculating him. I also hate the wife in this commercial, who vigorously chomps her pizza and nods as if to say, good job, honey, for ripping off that pizza boy. (Are we supposed to rip off the pizza boy? That's good family values for you.) Creepy.

Pledge? Swiffer? I don't even know the name of this product because I am so distracted by the song; also because I do not dust. Said song features a vocal that growls and belts out, "It's Better with the Spray!" Huh? What's better with the spray?! Broccoli?! I think it's some sort of furniture polish, and by the way, DO NOT EAT. And furthermore, I hope this song was created especially for this sh*t commercial, and there isn't really some song wandering around out there called "It's Better With the Spray!", or similar. Not only would this violate one of his cardinal rules (Bastardization of a Popular Song), but, WTF? What spray...cat spray? Because I assure you, NOTHING is better with that. Except maybe for some of you kink types, but for me, no thanks; not in the face.

Gap's Skinny Black Pant - another offense (The Posthumous Endorsement.) Is that or is it not Audrey Hepburn's disembodied head superimposed (and badly, at that) on another dancer's body, because that is some disturbed shit. It is hard to tell because actresses' heads never fit their goddamn bodies. How can they do that, anyway? She hasn't been dead long enough to be public domain, has she? And even though she is dead, she still overly dramatic, and still dances like a total spazz. Sorry. I should really not speak ill of humanitarian people who still get on my nerves even though they are dead.

Garnier Fructis - I hate these commercials in general, but am especially perplexed by their latest, which features a shit-eating grinning model washing her hair while wearing a purple bikini...in the shower. Why?! Couldn't they have just shot her from the neck up? Is there a European version of her topless? Because then, maybe I wouldn't hate Garnier Fructis so much. Woo-hoo.

I know, I shoulda stayed in skool. Or maybe quit sooner, huh? Then I might could understand these things.


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