Monday, December 18, 2006


'Twas the week before Xmas, and what do I get. Another day older and not necessarily deeper in debt, because I have no money to spend, period.

Lovely bi-weekly payroll never lines up with my needs/wants/bills. Why should I expect it to care about the baby Jesus' birthday?

I wish someone would explain that to my credit union, which I joined when I was fortunate enough to get a weekly paycheck. Now they're calling me at 8 a.m. to what, remind me that my rent check just went through, and I'm negative 8 squillion until payday?

I KNOW that, a-holes. It's not like I dip into my credit limit unless it's something dire, like the rent. I have hardly been frittering it away, and have not bought Thing One for Xmakkah. I'm also expecting a half-squillion in retro pay from my employer due to the increase I was "given" LAST SUMMER. I am not the only one who is behind on my shit. I have direct deposit. Now get out of me. (-Kat.)

Then there was another lovely "Christmas card": a notice from my landlord.

Dear Tenants of Casa de Los Insectos:

It has recently come to our attention that we have a termite problem.

On the following form, please note any evidence of termites (actual termites, termite doots, etc.) that you have noticed so we can then come barging into your apartment, do the white glove test on your floorboards and complain if you have not been cleaning properly/using the approved floor wax, then attempt to charge you, in advance, for any damages we may find. Also, we will need to make your life a living hell throughout the coming holiday week, to ensure that there are no further damages.

In other words, your ass (and your apartment) will be our playground for the next several weeks; we will need access to your apartment at all hours of the day, you will get no peace and quiet, so just leave the doors unlocked and don't be naked, or try and make holiday plans, or anything.

Merry, Merry Christmas,

P.S. We may need to tent the place, so we would prefer if you would pay next month's rent in advance, so we can thoroughly screw you when you have no place to live in January while we fumigate and kill your pets.

I replied with the following:

Dear Casa de Bugs,

While I greatly appreciate your concern for my floorboards, do you really need to come barging into my apartment, just to see if there
are any termite doots, when you already claim to know, in fact, that these termite doots exist?! And what's with the "investigation", Inspector(s) Closeau? Because I, for one, am not even really sure what termite "evidence" looks like.

Perhaps you should rent an anteater from the zoo - I understand they like to eat the little buggers.

In addition, I am allergic to any/all insecticides, and my cats lick their feet. So please explain how this is my problem, and/or relocate me to another bldg. Preferably one that doesn't have car accidents outside every day at 3 a.m., so that car parts fly into my window. There are cars wrecked on the lawn every morning, and little piles of car on the sidewalk every afternoon. This is something of a nuisance.

Also, do you really have to do this THE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS?! Aren't the termites, maybe, on vacation this week? Some of us have live Christmas trees, perhaps the termites are occupied with eating those. And my peg leg.

Thanks for taking all my money, then making my life a living hell,
Your Respectful Tenant.

P.S. The termites also ate my rent check. Or maybe it was my credit union. I really can't them apart these days.

Merry, Merry $$$!@#mas.


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