1) Letter bomb
2) A rude missive to the parents of the bride explaining that they are idiots for pushing the happy (read: fuckdumb) couple into reserving a venue and etc. instead of letting them at least get used to the idea of their engagement (mistake).
3) A picture of another (older) couple I know, with an arrow indicating the gender-appropriate (bride or groom) half, asking, "why can't you find someone age/height/weight/income appropriate, like Brian/Anna, here?"
4) Hanta virus
5) Anthrax (good for reception!)
7) A copy of this
8) A death threat, in the form of gentle reminder that if she ever hurts him, utilizing a pair of pink pliers once given to me by a Snap-On-Tools salesman, I will pull out each and every one the teeth in her gleaming white sh*t-eating "I'm engaged!" grin and put them into the new blender I am purchasing for them along with her scalp, after donating her hair to Locks of Love, and make her hit "frappé" with her own manicured acrylics, after which I feed her uterus to the cat and make her browse the personals on ETardmoney.com
8) A gift certificate to Babies "R" Us
9) A gift certificate for an abortion
10) Screw the RSVP, I'll just show up at the wedding and casually remark to the bride, "oh yeah, he asked me to marry him, too."

I'm not a very nice person, I know.

But I'll have you know I bought the above mentioned couple a hand-mixer/marital aid AND the crème brûlée set from Bloodbath and Beyond.

I figure if it doesn't work out, they can blowtorch each other
and call it a "kitchen accident."