Wednesday, May 30, 2007


Reasons why today sucks BALLS:

1) A very colorful person died today, a karaoke queen. For no goddamn good reason (cancer). I am not linking to her MySpace page because that would be just wrong. Anyway, while she was alive I made fun of her and I'm sorry, but it does suck when people are no longer around to make fun of. (Except Paris Hilton, no one should miss her.)

2) Zippy died a year ago today, and yes, I am still very much a basket case, blubbering along to John Denver/Neil Diamond/Journey (and worse) ballads over my dead cat, who will be buried with me (like #1's), and whose ashes are currently resting in my underwear drawer, because SOMEONE (Cranky) hasn't finished his real final resting place/urn, and because otherwise Beeker kept rolling around on the floor with his little container. I can only imagine what the dog would do if she got ahold of them. This is warped.

3) I have to adopt out this kitten, but with e-mails like this, I would rather just keep her:

We need a kitten that is very gentle and if put on her back will go limp and not squirm. I have two daughters 5 1/2 who are looking for someone to love and cuddle and I need a kitten that will be gentle and patient with them.

Massive Bitchface from Hell
Sr. Claims Examiner

I mean, what the hell?! It's a KITTEN, not a claims examiner. Why do these people even want animals? Real animals bite and scratch and yes, sometimes even wiggle when provoked...
Why don't they get a possum? Or a stuffed one?!

Not to mention that the callers from that news clip were all flaky, or crazy, or 87 years old, or 12 years old, or had pit bulls. JESUS. I don't think I'm cut out for this crap.

Besides, the dog really, really wants her, they love to play, and even when separated, they play footsie under the door. It is kill, kill, KILLING me. I am powerless in the face of anything this cute, but have to stop getting pets for my other pets-! Sheezus.

NO MORE DEATH!! Or kittens. OK.


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