Wednesday, June 27, 2007


I have decided!:

1) Marriage is an institution invented by Jeezus to make the rest of us (single types) feel bad, either because:

a) Jr. High Volleyball Syndrome - we feel like all the other kids were already picked to be on someone's "team" and we're left standing cold, alone, and exposed, wearing bad, too-tight, too-short polyester gym shorts that kind of make your crotch stink;

b) Where the fuck's MY blender, and why should I buy one for two smug people who are clearly doing better on their combined income than I am on my single crappy paying-rent-by-myself one? They should have to pay US a penalty for that sh*t. I think it's called taxes but I'd rather just have some new appliances and maybe cable.

c) It's like announcing to the world, This Person I've Selected is Better Than You (Or, At Least Better At Getting Things from Me Than You); I will now give them sh*t I have withheld from you, like a little bitch, except for my splendid organs, which I shared with you freely - necessitating multiple trips to the doctor and/or Diflucan.

2) Impending marriages tend to put pressure on your existing relationship(s), if the parties in question have been going out for far less time than you. Meaning your significant other (usually female) starts giving you The Stinkeye of Resentment. They should cut that sh*t out. Marriage should be solely on an application-only, Soviet Russia kind of basis. Stand in the breadline until your number comes up, and the people behind you start grumbling to either shit or get off the pot. (That's right, I said shit, not sh*t, even.) This would eliminate so many senseless quarrels, I think.

3) I am starting to think that married people, or at least the women, are some other species. Possibly space aliens. (No offense to any space aliens who may possibly be reading this.)

4) While experiencing marriage, if you cannot refrain from putting your penis or vagina into/onto somebody else's penis and/or vagina, then you do not really love your significant other.

To review: marriage makes your exes feel like SHIT. Marriage makes your crotch stink. Be polite and wait your turn; take a number. I need a blender, and please to keeping your not-so-massive, throbbing organ away from me if you are married, thinking about being married (to someone else), have just proposed to anyone under 30 while in Amsterdam with some whores present, and your name is GEORGE.

Oops, I've said too much.

Anyway, discuss.


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