I swore I would never do this. Touch one.
Certainly not give one to my dog.

But I was at a crazily stressful, massive adoption event over the weekend, and I had to bring the dog because I had no place to leave her for six flippin' hours, and all the other kids had one, and she wanted it, badly. I could see the lust in her beady little eyes.

So I gave it to her.

She loved it, she put it in her mouth and went at it right away, all twelve inches of it - her little paws grasping, beady eyes closed tightly in contentment.

So I bought one. I bought her a bull penis. She has it on the bed right now, chewing it.

See, this reminds me of the "Crunchy Frog" sketch. Some stores will advertise it as a "pizzle stick" or a "bully stick" or a "natural beef muscle chew". NO NO NO IT IS NOT, it is a DEAD COW PENIS. This is false advertising, and I think they should really post something saying WARNING: VERY DEAD, VERY PENIS-Y BULL PENIS - DO NOT TOUCH.

P.S. PENIS.

But now...

THERE IS A DEAD BULL PENIS ON MY BED. What's more, THERE IS A DEAD BULL PENIS BEING CHEWED LUSTILY BY A VERY SMALL, VERY CUTE DOG, ON MY BED. And later, there will probably be a very small, very cute dog with VERY DEAD BULL PENIS BREATH LICKING MY FACE.

Nooooooooooooo...!! I have become one of "those" people.

Now I'm just like all the other sucker-fools who wander into the pet store, pick one up, and start to fondle it, waaaving it around blithely while wondering aloud, what is this? while the cashiers snigger behind cupped hands.

Hey, they've gotta get their kicks* somehow.

*penis.