With so much blah and badness and just plain pathetic behavior afoot, I need nothing so much as pure stupidity these days.

These things do help:

1) The following jingle for a local furniture store:

The only way you can get furniture for less
is to iiiimpoooort it yourself,
and you don't know how-!

(I also enjoy Cranky's version, which he sings to Tulip & Bosco, and has something to do with them fecklessly not knowing how to import furniture, either. Because they are kittycat dogs. And their brains are the size of a piece of used chewing gum.)

2) Mike Diamond, "the smell-good plumbers". Am tempted to call them and perform a sniff-test myself. But I suspect they just purchase cheap cologne in bulk, something named Armenian Club Promoter, perhaps, or Hispanic Valet #2. However, if they are also the asscrack-free plumbers, I would be willing to throw in another $10/hr.

3) The fact that parents in So. Cal are so goddamned lazy, they will pay to have someone else remove their child's head lice for them. I thought that was a rite of passage. They are missing out on valuable quality time, here. Why, I remember my grandmother picking nits off of my head (and chasing down fleas on the dog, and drowning them in a mayonnaise jar ) like it was only yesterday...sigh. Scritch, scritch...I wonder if they do pubic lice? Because they could really rake up some business there, among the Paris Hilton set, no?

4) When all else fails, have someone shove doggie treats* in the back pockets of your pants (and down your non-smell-good plumber's crack), release the hounds, then attempt not to laugh for one half-hour. Wahoo, instant attitude adjustment.

They should offer this treatment in your doctor's office on an outpatient basis, instead of Prozac.

*May I suggest Buddy Biscuits™ Bacon & Cheese Madness for maximum efficacy.