My friend was an exchange student to Germany in high school. She tried smiling in her German class photo, and they told her, "SUZANNE STEIN, PLEASE KLOSE YOUR MOUTH."

Ze Germans, they are not liking so much the smiley Jews.

Anyway, I've been wishing some other people would close their mouths lately:

1) John McCain - and not even for the obvious reasons. His mouth is just...too small for his face. Or his teeth are too big for his mouth. Or something. I think I'd go crazy having to listen to him for four (or more) years, just because the way his mouth moves bothers me.

2) Almost all people in commercials. Either their mouths are hanging open for no reason (didn't their mothers ever tell them they'd catch flies that way?) or because photographers tell people to do that (is this supposed to be sexy? Because to me, it just looks like they're about to bite someone.) Watch any cosmetic commercial and you'll see what I mean. They're not smiling, exactly. Their mouth is just hanging open and their teeth are showing. Like a confused Mr. Ed.

3) Speech impediments. There is this woman, I think she did a Corn Flaksshhh, or Cherriosssh, commershial or shumshing. Now some lunatic in advertising has made her the shhhpokespershon for shumshing elsshe; I am not even sure what. I was just sho shocked that sshe keephs getting WORK. Her mouth makes so many weird assed clicks and pops and lisping noises I want to a) fire the ADR people who recorded this monstrosity, and b) go and shhhstrangle Gillian Anderson, because shhhe shhhtarted thisssh, shhomehow *whistle*! (and now she's hoshting Masshterpieshe sTheatre?! And has gotten lip implantshh, which make her shhpitch WORSE?! ShhhhiT.)

She always reminded me of this beaver (just ignore that it's in Finnish - you get the point).

4) Japanimation. I have always hated it because the people, who have no noses, sprout HUGE beads of sweat, and then cannot finish their sentences without saying "Aaaaaaaaaaa...!" I think because the Japanese takes less time to say than the dubbed-in English, so they just fill in the empty space while their mouth is still open with "Aaaaaaaaaa...!" even though they don't appear to be in any imminent danger of, say, a dragon eating their head (unfortunately). At least, that is my theory.

5) That "I Want My MPG" commercial, for what car, I don't even know. They insist on showing both extreme closeups of people's mouths "singing" (gross) and bad dancing. Uggghhh.

6) Chili's! Oh, Christ. There are a bunch of friends riding in a car, and sadly, unlike those other commercials which really annoyed me, where the friends were broadsided violently by another car, they do NOT get broadsided violently by another car. No, they are trying to decide where to go for dinner, and this girl says, "what about Chili'sssssss....?" AND THEN FORGETS TO CLOSE HER MOUTH. FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.

GAH!!! I wish I could reach through the TV and throttle her. Or duct tape her mouth shut. Or force her to wear a Hannibal Lecter mask, so she can never talk, or lisp, or leave her mouth gaping open, or suggest eating at Chili's EVER AGAIN.

I really am not irritable in the least. Just because I want to staple people's lips closed. And superglue their arms to their sides so that they can't make irritating hand gestures for no reason like a tard, either, but that's another post.

Labels: I need interesting medication, I want my PMDD