Tuesday, February 15, 2005


In the tradition of Valentine's Day (it was very nice, thank you, and beat the hell out of last year's) I give you bad porn as viewed by a dear friend who wishes to remain anonymous.

Stealth porn-ing. It's like watching porn through a keyhole through a door to a room that goes into a peep show without having to pay the ($_.__ - insert cost of peep show here as I really wouldn't know.)

As you may know, I have several specific problems with porn, especially so-called lesbian porn, and it is funny to hear some of them corroborated from a male point of view.

This is what he discovered while rifling through some lesbians' porn stash one fine evening.


Here's your guide to what [nationality removed to protect the "innocent" - Ed.] lesbians watch for porn:

There's a huge pile of videotapes stacked up in one corner of the room. Looking closer, most of them are unmarked so I had to go through them to figure out whose tape is whose. And curiosity killed the cat but I don't have a cat so...(I don't know why I'm trying to explain what I did but hey...)

...of course, a lot of the unmarked tapes turned out to be porn owned by said lesbian couple. But not just any old porn, oh no.

There was a tape called
Forced Entry - preceded by a long self-justifying intro from the CEO of some adult video company explaining that this was just a fantasy for sexual entertainment, it used real actors and that he thought PBS were his friends before they broadcast a documentary slamming said company. Then what followed was a fairly nasty (although no weapons) forced-entry/burglary/rape scenario in an oddly sparse Hollywood-esque mansion.

A nameless tape had two women entwined in rope bondage - one tied to the ceiling, bound and gagged and another one tied to her and eating her out. The scene then suddenly moved to the gagged one tied to the head of a kitchen table, the other woman tied down on said kitchen table and eating the other one out semi reluctantly.
[Heh heh! I'm channeling Margaret Cho's I'm-eating-pussy-but-I'd rather-be-having-a-burrito-face! - PK] Then a guy in a skull mask came in, wearing a T-shirt and shorts with some kind of long tapered thing that was oozing stuff on the end. He applied said oozing stuff (presumably lubricant) then slid the long tapered thing into her ass. Why the skull mask, is what I want to know...

Another tape was called
Double Entry and seemed to be a compilation of the best bits from an adult video company's range of multiple-entry fucking. The tape disconcertingly kept concentrating on the facial expressions of the men as opposed to the women. If I had a woman with long sharp red fingernails playing around with my crown jewels, I'd be yelping for different reasons.

And another tape (I was getting oddly bored at this point) had another masked man being given head by a doe-eyed blonde.
[She ain't so purty no more, ain't she?! - Ed.]

Another tape had another forced-entry/rape scenario, this time using a shiny silver knife that oddly refracted against the dyed blonde hair of the screaming actress. At this point, I gave up.

I tell you, pornography is getting decidedly weird these days. Nothing made me want to disappear into the bathroom for five minutes. Putting aside the danger of long red fingernails, how many male consumers want to watch the faces of men coming?
[Agreed - I always want to scream WHY ARE THEY SHOWING THEIR FACES?!- PK] How many women get really excited by the notion of sliding a long red fingernail up their ass? [Or a long TOENAIL, as I've had the extreme misfortune of seeing in girl-on-girl scenes along with sniffing each other's shoes. WHY?! Retch.]

Oh. It's been a while.

[Understandable. Seeing crap like that is enough to send you here. - PK]

Happy VD!

Furthermore, "Mr. X" gave me some very good advice when I expressed fear of accidentally confusing my borrowed copy of AUSCHWITZ: INSIDE THE NAZI STATE with my personal video of MEN, WOMEN, AND STRAP-ONS and mistakenly returning the wrong tape to my co-worker, a sweet man in his 60's who enjoys sailing and classical music. Eeep!

"Mr. X" counseled:

Quarantine all your porn in a separate box. That's what I do.

Clever boy.


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