Search "Viagra commercial" on YouTube.

Trust me.

Side note: our friend, Dan Kinsella, booked a Viagra commercial. Side side note: he is expecting his first child.

I wonder how he feels about THAT sh*t.

(The Viagra, not the child. And I don't think the child is a result of any Viagra.)
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1) How do some people remember, in such detail, what happened when they were 3, 6, or even in high school, for crissake? I can't remember dick, and I wasn't even drinking back then.

2) Why is being a girlfriend such a slippery slope? If you don't eventually get to graduate from girlfriendhood to wife (apparently, I've flunked that test multiple times), then it's just stupid. Because:

a) You start acting all girlfriendy by helping your boyfriend out (with whatever his life's endeavor) because...you just can't help your nurturing b.s. self.

b) You start being expected to help out

c) It is not only assumed that you will help, but any assistance you provide, out of the goodness of your own heart, is now subject to criticism.

F*ck that sh*t. I would be more bitter, but I suspect wifedom is possibly worse, if not for the financial benes.

3) Weiner.

4) Why does everything, all of the sudden, cost $8-18.95+. I feel like razor blades, booze, and clumping cat litter are suddenly major investments.

Please to 'splain, Loosey.
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-Five. What a weird number of toes to have.

-I started buying these for Toolie; now my office smells like barbecued bull c*ck.

-Trying to do too many things at the same time will only result in getting toothpaste on the dog.

-How in the hell do I keep getting deodorant on my shirt. The armpit is concave. How does that keep happening?!

-Does anyone else think that a woman who calls her boyfriend "honey" or "babe" every 2.5 seconds is possessive and weird? Or am I just a bitter old hag.

-I suspect your answer is "yes."

-Why did I never run into people from my past in the grocery store when I was too skinny? Possibly because I never ate food, but I still needed tp and gritty kitty litter, goddamnit.

Explain.
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1) That Bissell vac commercial - makes my dog, and reportedly several friends' dogs, go ballistic with its squeeky toy sound FX. Stop that, dude. Stop it.

2) Haven't seen her in a while (or maybe it's just that I broke both my TV and my vacuum cleaner (see above) in one fell swoop this past weekend. Stoopid Mercury in retrograde. (Mercury: stop that, dude. Just...stop it.) That "Short Periodssshhhzz" chick. I can't even remember the name of the birth control pill; just that it gives you shorter periods(ssshhzz), that the chick is pretty...pretty ANNOYING, that is; that she has a pre-pubescent figure (because the pill doesn't make you gain weight, or anything) with that...SPACE between her thighs that no normal well-nourished woman I know has; and a dog named "Shorty", you know, for "short periodssshhhzz". And a speech impediment.

(Oh, wait...the website has not only the commercial, but further info on said chick "Cammie" and her fucking dog, "Shorty". Fuckin' hell. Also? The fact that she BOUGHT HER GODDAMN DOG, brags about his purebred status, and claims Cammie will "not be able to pick him up for long"...um, maybe Cammie shouldn't be A FUCKING ANOREXIC? Also, perhaps she should have RESCUED a dog that perhaps did not WEIGH MORE than she does?! I fucking HATE Cammie. Cammie is a HEARTLESS, UNTHINKING TWAT. Not to mention that it has a link to the AKC website and actually has THE NERVE to suggest that if she doesn't take him for his daily walk, the fucking dog could "easily put on too much weight"...UNLIKE CAMMIE. Jesus CRAP I hate this commercial.)

Anyways. Why don't they just say, THIS PILL WILL MAKE YOUR PERIOD SHORTER. SO YOU CAN HAVE MORE FUCKING. C'mon, dudes, just spit it out. Say it. MORE FUCKING. IT WILL ALSO MAKE YOU SKINNY. OR SO WE WANT YOU TO THINK. P.S. MORE FUCKING. Thank you.

3) Not one, but TWO Carl's Jr. commercials are out right now featuring guys' FEET. I don't know about you people, but to me, there is little in the world that is grosser than a guy's feet. And these two: a) the one with the guy on vacation, eating fruit, and b) the one with the guy fondling the improbably large-titted Hawaiian dashboard hula dancer both include the guy's FEET, front and center. As if the narsty lip-smacking, finger-licking sound FX weren't gross enough. And as for that badly California-accented voice over:"when a guy can't get his wahine to put some halakahickie all over his E-O-peepee hawillahea"..I don't know what that means, but they know damn well it sounds nasty, and isn't "get his woman to put barbecue sauce on some pineapple". These guys are just a bunch of ill-mannered, whoremongering, pineapple-fucking bunch of pre-verts. FUCK YOU, CARL'S JR. FUCK YOU ALL TO HELL.

4) Nivea "Goodbye to Cellulite" - well, that's all well and good, except that the featured model in this spot is like,
a) 13,
b) Swedish, or some sh*t, and
c) has NO cellulite, probably because she is

a) 13,
b) Swedish, or some sh*t
and/or c) anorexic. Jesus fuck.

Also? White chicks should NOT be dancing to rap music, lame or otherwise. Which I now have stuck in my head...GOOD-BYE, DON'TCHOO CRY, GIRLIES LOOKIN' OH-SO-FLY...agh!!! Sonofabitch!!!

*spontaneously combusts in a firestorm of hatred not entirely precipitated by George*
Fuckin' Cammie. Fuckin' basset hounds. Damn hell crappin' Swedish teenagers and gross guys' feet-!!

Jesus in hell, I hate people. Especially game show hosts, dog breeders, and, apparently, advertising execs.

Labels: bad ads

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