Tuesday, August 28, 2007
DUDE, WHERE'S MY PERIOD?
DUDE, WHERE'S MY PERIOD?Saturday, August 18, 2007
THINGS NOT TO SAY TO THE NICE OFFICER AT THE SOBRIETY CHECKPOINT
[Image of souvenir coaster not here due to Cranky throwing them away][I put them on the bar!]
1. No, I have not been drinking. I'd sure like to, though.
2. No, my breath just smells real bad*
3. Seriously, this is mineral water
4. I'm just taking these open containers of Everclear to the recycling plant
5. WHAT THE FUCK?! *honk* *honk* YOU ARE MAKING ME LATE TO MY A.A. MEETiNG!!!
6. No, not yet. And your sobriety checkpoint clogging a major artery sure is impeding my progress toward my eventual drunkenness.
What seems to be the problem, Officer? And what's with the cuffs?
*I actually said this. That combined with bad habit of not making eye contact, even under the best of circumstances, does not help. Shaking nervously and going, gee, I'm so scared of your big black stick, Sergeant Spamstuck! while trembling like an inbred chihuahua seems to work pretty well for me though. OK!
**Also? If they don't want you to drink, then why do they give you a souvenir coaster?! To remind you not to drink and drive, while you are drinking? To nail to our foreheads, as a reminder? OK, wise guys. What are we s'posed to set our drink, which we are not supposed to be having, down on, then...?
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THINGS NOT TO SAY TO THE NICE OFFICER AT THE SOBRIETY CHECKPOINT1. No, I have not been drinking. I'd sure like to, though.
2. No, my breath just smells real bad*
3. Seriously, this is mineral water
4. I'm just taking these open containers of Everclear to the recycling plant
5. WHAT THE FUCK?! *honk* *honk* YOU ARE MAKING ME LATE TO MY A.A. MEETiNG!!!
6. No, not yet. And your sobriety checkpoint clogging a major artery sure is impeding my progress toward my eventual drunkenness.
What seems to be the problem, Officer? And what's with the cuffs?
*I actually said this. That combined with bad habit of not making eye contact, even under the best of circumstances, does not help. Shaking nervously and going, gee, I'm so scared of your big black stick, Sergeant Spamstuck! while trembling like an inbred chihuahua seems to work pretty well for me though. OK!
**Also? If they don't want you to drink, then why do they give you a souvenir coaster?! To remind you not to drink and drive, while you are drinking? To nail to our foreheads, as a reminder? OK, wise guys. What are we s'posed to set our drink, which we are not supposed to be having, down on, then...?
Labels: that thing you're doing: stop doing that.
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Wednesday, August 15, 2007
IF YOU DON'T LIKE FOOD, PLEASE DON'T HOST A COOKING SHOW
Oh, please.
At least it's for PBS. But in general, cooking show hosts should be comfortingly portly, like The Barefoot Contessa, outright fat, like Chef Paul, or else 6' tall, drunk, and horselike, with a hunchback - just like we loved our Julia Child.
NOT annoyingly brash with a 5' wide mouth like the monkfish in the above linked photo (Racheal Ray), anorexically pseudo-vegetarian (Gwyneth) and bobble-headed (Giada De Laurentiis - isn't that a disease?)
C'mon, people. If the ability to maintain an eating disorder is your only discernible talent, just stick with acting.
Er, ACT! with sticking.
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IF YOU DON'T LIKE FOOD, PLEASE DON'T HOST A COOKING SHOWAt least it's for PBS. But in general, cooking show hosts should be comfortingly portly, like The Barefoot Contessa, outright fat, like Chef Paul, or else 6' tall, drunk, and horselike, with a hunchback - just like we loved our Julia Child.
NOT annoyingly brash with a 5' wide mouth like the monkfish in the above linked photo (Racheal Ray), anorexically pseudo-vegetarian (Gwyneth) and bobble-headed (Giada De Laurentiis - isn't that a disease?)
C'mon, people. If the ability to maintain an eating disorder is your only discernible talent, just stick with acting.
Er, ACT! with sticking.
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Wednesday, August 08, 2007
TRUE-ISM
TRUE-ISMFriday, August 03, 2007
REAL, OR THE ONION?
This freakin' made my day.
In other humor, I am about to go to the pharmacy to pick up some new crotch products, because the old ones - which is to say, nothing - ain't working. No idea why.
(I wonder if they could make it chocolate-banana pie flavored for me? Or sour apple...no, that'd be just wrong.)
Does anyone have any experience with this thing? I mean, is it fun? Can you wear it as a bracelet? Or use it as a Frisbee...?
I just hope it doesn't fall out on the floor, or the dog will get it.
Furthermore, I don't know how I feel about having that hoopijoob in my pachachca. I mean, you're supposed to take it out when you have your carotchka, but you supposedly can leave it in even when you have a dingdangdonger up there. What if, say, I got some Pillsbury Crotchrot™ during my carotchka, AND had the hoopijoob up there, AND a CramTax®, AND some Monistat Sixthousand?
I mean, how much crap can one woman shove up her hoohoodilly?!
'K, don't answer that.
Labels: dingdangdongers, Frisbee, hoopijoob
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