Thursday, January 17, 2008
WORST TELEVISION SHOW EVER
Sometimes I'm glad I'm not married, if only for the reason that I don't have to share the remote.
Cranky watches the most horrible television shows. Not only does he watch these really boring History Channel shows about the most tedious minutiae on the planet - you know the ones - it'll be a whole hour just about iron, say, or salt. Or welding. Or corn. There's one on now about Things that Are Pointy. I'm not even kidding, it called Modern Marvels and it's about scissors and razor blades or some crap.
No, worse: he watches a lot of MSNBC.
Which is fine, he leaves it on during the day, so Toolip and Bosco can learn about poolitics.
What's worse is that after about 6 PM, it turns into The Molester and Car Chase and Dead Baby Channel. The latest was called "Cradle to Grave" or something and it was all about how every kid this couple had for like ten years died.
It's enough to make you go off your feed.
If not, e-mail me and I'll mail you a video of my eyeball surgery.
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WORST TELEVISION SHOW EVERCranky watches the most horrible television shows. Not only does he watch these really boring History Channel shows about the most tedious minutiae on the planet - you know the ones - it'll be a whole hour just about iron, say, or salt. Or welding. Or corn. There's one on now about Things that Are Pointy. I'm not even kidding, it called Modern Marvels and it's about scissors and razor blades or some crap.
No, worse: he watches a lot of MSNBC.
Which is fine, he leaves it on during the day, so Toolip and Bosco can learn about poolitics.
What's worse is that after about 6 PM, it turns into The Molester and Car Chase and Dead Baby Channel. The latest was called "Cradle to Grave" or something and it was all about how every kid this couple had for like ten years died.
It's enough to make you go off your feed.
If not, e-mail me and I'll mail you a video of my eyeball surgery.
Labels: MSNBC, spousal abuse, worst television shows ever
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Monday, January 14, 2008
INSERT BITTER COMPLAINTS HERE
Work:
-Writer's strike
-Layoffs
-wrong, wrong, all the wrong people
-not me :(
Home:
-overpriced
-substandard
-still live next to ghetto trash
-still smells funny
-happy little fluffy animals :)
-hamster still dead :(
Family:
-grandpa: still dead.
-JESUS CHRiST
-don't wanna talk about it
Personal:
-nothing to speak of
-how is it everyone I ever once touched is now getting married? Blessing or curse?
-everyone else is getting married. Or going on trips. Who can afford trips?! especially in this climate of layoffs and of strikes?! My boss, that's who. Bastard. Where is this boat I missed, and where is it going?! I hope on a trip. Because the next boat that comes along is gonna get sunk if the motherfucker don't take me on a goddamn trip. I will cannonball that bastard ship's deck with my own generous ass if I have to. But, knowing my luck, that fuckhole ship? will just be en route to the San Pedro Smelly-Assed Fish Market.
-I have only been to Mexico, and that was stupid. Do you know what I found on my last "trip" out of L.A.? An hour up Angeles Crest, in the otherwise pure, virgin snowdrift? Two Bud Light empties and a hot pepper. (My dog Tulip ate the hot pepper, with ill effects.) Why did I bother going to Mexico. This is fucking Mexico.
-But at least it was a vacation from her usual diet of discarded chicken bones from homeless bums, and subsequent emergency animal hospital visit.
-God, I hate L.A.
Health:
-plastic thing in mouth
-plastic thing in crotch
-plastic things over eyes (though not nearly as sexy as this person's)
-I know, I am sex.
-no, no plastic things here
-they're still real. A little too real if you ask me.
Go ahead. Ask me about my plastic things.
How are your _____s?
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INSERT BITTER COMPLAINTS HERE-Writer's strike
-Layoffs
-wrong, wrong, all the wrong people
-not me :(
Home:
-overpriced
-substandard
-still live next to ghetto trash
-still smells funny
-happy little fluffy animals :)
-hamster still dead :(
Family:
-grandpa: still dead.
-JESUS CHRiST
-don't wanna talk about it
Personal:
-nothing to speak of
-how is it everyone I ever once touched is now getting married? Blessing or curse?
-everyone else is getting married. Or going on trips. Who can afford trips?! especially in this climate of layoffs and of strikes?! My boss, that's who. Bastard. Where is this boat I missed, and where is it going?! I hope on a trip. Because the next boat that comes along is gonna get sunk if the motherfucker don't take me on a goddamn trip. I will cannonball that bastard ship's deck with my own generous ass if I have to. But, knowing my luck, that fuckhole ship? will just be en route to the San Pedro Smelly-Assed Fish Market.
-I have only been to Mexico, and that was stupid. Do you know what I found on my last "trip" out of L.A.? An hour up Angeles Crest, in the otherwise pure, virgin snowdrift? Two Bud Light empties and a hot pepper. (My dog Tulip ate the hot pepper, with ill effects.) Why did I bother going to Mexico. This is fucking Mexico.
-But at least it was a vacation from her usual diet of discarded chicken bones from homeless bums, and subsequent emergency animal hospital visit.
-God, I hate L.A.
Health:
-plastic thing in mouth
-plastic thing in crotch
-plastic things over eyes (though not nearly as sexy as this person's)
-I know, I am sex.
-no, no plastic things here
-they're still real. A little too real if you ask me.
Go ahead. Ask me about my plastic things.
How are your _____s?
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