Thursday, February 21, 2008



I have tried everything. Baking soda, crystals, Litter Pearls, Feline Pine, flushable litter (do NOT flush flushable litter - cat feces poison sea otters. Not even shitting you), litter made out of newspaper, litters made out of wheat, litter made out of banned books, litter made out of corncobs. I've wasted money on exorcists, burning sage, voodoo curses. Nothing, short of axe-murdering my neighbor, would seem to help my Litter Box Aroma.

Until now.

It has finally happened: science have finally brought aromatherapy to the cat box.

It was only a matter of time.

FreshStep® has introduced two new smell-a-rrific scented expensive rocks for your cat to poop on: Mountain Forest™ and Lavender Valley™. I can't wait to purchase these since my Meddling Neighbor™ has informed our Nincompoop Landlady™ that she thinks our balcony smells like Cat Feces (NO trademark, since cat feces are an Act of G_d or some crap).

The website describes this gritty kitty litter like some of your hornier Fancy Feast varieties - or, more accurately, like some sort of douche. For your cat holes.

Bring the crisp scent of the outdoors into your home with Mountain Forestâ„¢ scoopable litter. As fresh as a light burst of mountain air, this patented formula also works better to eliminate odors than the leading scented scoopable litter.* Now a trip to the litter box feels like a walk in the woods.

Yeah, and the lavender scented is like "a walk in the fields". OF CAT POOP.

Try not to step in it, folks. You know I will.

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Monday, February 18, 2008


...the most racist, horribly hilarious term for a person I have ever heard in my life. And yet, she is one. Only, we don't have a porch. Just a shared balcony (which, by the way, is the dumbest architectural idea for an apartment house, EVER). So, balcony monkey?

I looked back at my bLOG and I have been having problems with this B.M. (also stands for Bowel Movement) since 2006. Scroll down for lovely pictures. Yeah. Now she keeps her TRASH CAN out there. Not just her actual trash. Her trash CAN. As if to say, I am too good to have trash in my apartment. However, it is perfectly OK for the person next door (lucky me) to have to look at/smell it.

What an inconsiderate, clueless, and selfish B.M.

It gets worse.

Lately, when I have been standing in my very own (supposedly) kitchen, or opening/closing windows when B.M. happens to walk by, which is all the time, I have thought I have heard some smart-mouthed remarks from Herself or the approx. 5 illegal tenants she has living in there.

Then, there was the time I had a bag of gargage explode on me (and I mean literally ON me - our dumpster is approx. 1/2 mile away down a steep flight of stairs). Which is the LAST thing on earth anybody wants to have happening to them. Because NO ONE enjoys cleaning up hot garbage juice, off the stairs and/or her person. Which is what I was doing, immediately post-explosion, with bleach and my one good kitchen sponge, when B.M. stickers her stupid nappy-assed (yes, Don Imus) head into the hallway, out the door she NEVER uses, because she is too busy stomping across the balcony DIRECTLY OUTSIDE MY KITCHEN AND BATHROOM WINDOWS, and complains.

This is rich, because a) it was an accident, b) I was cleaning it up directly, and c) she never uses that entrance. She only comes home at 1:30 AM, stands directly outside my bathroom window (no wonder I have I.B.S.) and talks, at full volume, on her cell phone INSTEAD of going into her own damn apt. Or entertains men (her son? Boyfriend? Who can tell?) who walk down the enclosed, non-ventilated hall with a lit cigarette. I moved 1300 miles away from my mother in order to avoid this; now it's living next door.

Now apparently she has gone so far as to actually complain to the landlady, who (despite multiple tenant complaints about this person and the fact that she'd totally ignoring landlady-imposed 10 PM Balcony Monkey Curfew) apparently came by to sniff my windows, which I leave open a crack. (Did she not see that B.M. keeps HER TRASH OUT THERE?!) I feel violated. I also feel like putting a Poice Line, Do Not Cross tape out there, except it would say PLEASE REFRAIN FROM SNIFFING MY WINDOWS, YOU FREAKING NOSY FRICKING CUNT. Or, if you do not like the smell of my apartment, STAY OFF THE GODDAMN BALCONY. Some people just don't learn. Also, for your information, I buy expensive cat litter; I scoop (at least) daily, and no cat box on earth reeks as bad as your goddamn cigarette smoke-! And last I checked, cat turds do NOT cause cancer (although I know some cat owners who might disagree).

God, I hate the B.M. and my stupid ninny bleeding-heart landlady, who has also just informed me that a mewling infant will be moving in downstairs, right after they are done with the Loud Construction At All Hours of the Day.

Maybe I'll do a Self-Help Eviction.


Wednesday, February 13, 2008


Anyone know how to move interstate without breaking the bank? Or any vital organs...?

I just looked at the supposedly cheaper rental truck site and was quoted 2K. That's just the truck - not the gas or anyone to move crap.

Apparently trucks are more reasonable when you're trying to get into - not out of - this hellhole. Lots of folks trying in vain to escape, so they need trucks here, what with people always spewing out like so much human diarrhea...can't imagine why.

Speaking of which, my dog getting into bum poo and/or vomit here on our street is a daily occurrence. Something something about that quality of life thing...leaves something to be desired.

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Sunday, February 03, 2008


I thought I got off easy because Cranky didn't care enough to watch the game, at least not the whole game.

Then he put it on the radio. In the car.

I said, "could you turn it down? For some strange reason, I do not enjoy the sound of 10,000 people screaming."

And you know it's way more than 10,000.

I'm sure tomorrow he'll be back to happily watching his new pre-pubescent adolescent vagina-bot crush in TERMINATOR: The Underage Chronicles, or whatever that show is. I would find it significantly less disturbing if he thought the mom was hot, but no, men cannot like anyone in their own age/height/weight range. It causes their sperm to wither and die, or something. Anyway, it's the only thing I find possibly less interesting than the Soup Or Bowl.

In other news, my post-Lasik eyeballs are always dried out, I'm always having to put drops in them, I can't wear eye makeup for a month, and the drops are making all my eyelashes fall out.

I know, I am sex. Again.


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