Friday, April 27, 2007


The reason I haven't been here much is pilot season, otherwise known as (see above).

I call it this because it causes me to spend a lot of time in the bathroom, hyperventilating, with my head between my knees (do not attempt).

For those of you who don't know, of which I hope are many, pilot season is that special time of year which us television folks spend in a half-retarded tizzy trying to produce a bunch of half-baked ideas along with your regularly scheduled programmes.

We hope that some of these idears will take so as to replace our regular shows which are about to crap out due to lack of interest, personality conflicts, and/or the presence of ACKtors. Those guys screw up everything.

So, we run it up the flagpole and see if the cat licks it, while attempting not to die in the process. Thrills! Chills! Being at work with stomach flu!!!

Otherwise, I have been:

-on the toilet

-working on a tranny documentary (don't ask.)

-volunteering for a rescue org. I want to do mainly cats someday, but right now I am afraid because of my cat herpes. Long story. So I'm thinking about foster-dogging, because dogs do not get the cat herpes. Unless...nevermind.

-this may result in me babysitting a one-eyed, one-horned, non-flying, black & blue & purple abused blind poodle for an indefinite period of time.

-Do you think they make eye patches for dogs?

-I think yes.

-figuring out the preferred diet of one Syrian teddy bear hamster previously used by neglectful 8 yr. old. Although he has had only dry hamster chow ever in his life, he has already rejected the following: yogurt, cheese, olives, and celery. He prefers only pepper and a twist of lime in his Bloody Marys.

-what kind of ham star doesn't eat celery?!

-aggravating people

-getting pissed off at other bitchy females. The butchy ones particularly seem to hate me this week, for some reason.

However, the bulk of my time has been spent brushing, flossing, inserting, and removing this device with a tiny plastic crowbar.

But that is a post for another day.


Wednesday, April 18, 2007


Pics to come soon. He is a real bundle. Bundle of what, I'm not yet sure.

Meanwhile, the learning continues...hamster-related things I did not know, maybe didn't want to know:

-When a Syrian hamster yawns, it looks like (last panel) this!

-Hamsters may enjoy a dust bath in sterilized playground sand or chinchilla sand (but not chinchilla dust, because apparently the dust is too dusty - who knew?!).

-Archie - that's his name - does not care for the sand/dust. However, the cat did roll in it.

-Hamsters can be litterbox trained. Archie scoffs at this.

-Archie scoffs a lot.

-If your hamster gets "wet tail", a fatal disease, you need to burn its cage or, alternatively, sterilize it with a blowtorch. Yeah, I have one of those lying around.

-Methane gases can build up in plastic hamster tubes and blow us all, or at least the hamster, to Kingdom Come (WAUUUGH!). Sky high. Kill us all. KaboOm.

-OK, so just the hamster.

-Wouldn't that be funny, though? Like that guy on the toilet with the matches and the Darwin Award.

-If you put a soiled hamster cage, sans hamster, in the trunk of your car, and then forget about it, leave the car parked in the hot sun, then attempt to go to lunch, your whole car will magically be filled with the mountain-grown aroma of Hamster Poopourri (that is, hamster doots, wood shavings, and Purina Rat Chow.) Enjoy.

-Although Habitrails make fun and unique homes for hamsters or mice, they are rather small. This tends to be a problem for Syrian hamsters, who tend to either not be able to fit through the tubes, or get stuck while passing through them (!)

-Archie scoffs at that, because while too big for his wheel, he can still squeeze his ass through a Size 6 toilet paper tube. And he is a rather large ham star, with "noticeable testicles". Thank you very much.

-A hamster in a used toilet paper tube looks like an unused tampon. With teeth.

-Archie also scoffs at toilet paper, and likes to wipe his ass on aquarium glass.

-while he is pooping

-Anti-poop story types: sorry. Do not, under any circumstances, read the following:

-Hamsters have different kinds of poop; the regular kind, and a "special" kind of doot, sometimes known as "cecotropes", "ceces" or "night feces" (or possibly "nieces") that they are supposed to eat, often directly from their hamster-holes, because they contain partially digested food.

So remember, kids: there is no shame in eating your own "special" poo, just so long as you do it at night and nobody sees you do it.

-Apparently, nobody told Archie that:

a) no one should see him do that
b) he is supposed to be craptacular, I mean crepuscular, I mean, nocturnal
c) cats are hamsters' natural predator (no one told the cats, either)
d) maybe it's because the cats have no noticeable testicles
e) it is glass; not glASS
f) hamsters are self-cleaning
g) you are not supposed to poop on my boss*, and
h) do not ever drag your balls along my leg again
i) ever.

*even if he does have noticeable testicles.

Sources: Wikipedia, this book, and my leg.


Friday, April 13, 2007


Welcome, "Hamster Penis" Googlers!

I may or may not be getting a hamster (Star of Ham). Guy at work's daughter isn't taking care of said ham star; I think teaching children that pets are disposable is a shitty lesson, but Jesus crisps - if you only live a thousand days, hell. Life's too short to live is a stinky plastic box.

I have known others who have had Ham Stars and cats and made it work, so I figure why not?

After doing some half-assed research, I have become enlightened as to the following:

-There are a ton of ham stars, guinea pigs, rabbits, etc. at the pound in need of adoption, so even if I am not the proud recipient of this particular hammy, may get mahsalf a rescue peeg.

Said Ham Star is a "teddy bear" ham star. How will I know what he is under the hair? Is he a Robrovski Hamster, a Syrian Hamster, a Chinese Hamster?!

-Please, no racial or ethnic jokes here, Don Imus.

-Actually, jokes of all color (and off-color) are encouraged. I'm full of hamster doots.

-When examined, female hamsters have two holes close together whereas males have anal and genital openings further apart than the female's (the member is usually withdrawn into the coat and thus appears as a hole or pink pimple). -Wikipedia

So you know I had to look.

Now I'm off my feed again.


Tuesday, April 10, 2007


I am not "shy."

I just don't like you.

Please go away,


Thursday, April 05, 2007


Here it is, the perfect Easter bunny for that gay man in your life.

Oh, behave.

Dove doesn't have it on their website...latent homophobia?


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