Tuesday, April 29, 2008


Bosco gives new meaning to "Petco: Where the Pets Go".


Also, he hates, hates, HATES having his picture taken. I thought at first it was just the whirring sound the camera makes, but no. I have attempted even from quite a long way away using a telephoto lens and he still somehow senses the paparazzi. He hates it worse than the celebutards on TMZ.

Here he is, trying to leave:

-The general area
-A picnic
-Hiding under the table, wearing hoodie for disguise.

He even hates it at Christmas:
He even hates SANTA.

He hates it on Valentine's Day. In a boat. With a goat.
He hates it WITH A CUPCAKE, for crissake...
You can almost see his whiskers quivering with revulsion.

I'm going to stop taking pictures now, or else he might explode.

(The hedgehog is a live grenade.)



Monday, April 21, 2008


So did y'all see Larry King Live...? I am. So. Horrified.

First of all, that these Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints would let an otherwise decent-looking person go through life with a monobrow. And a mustache.

What, is it Wax vs. Jesus? Can't they have both...?

That hairdo alone is grounds for child abuse.

No, really, I'm not here to make fun of these ladies. Or their religious convictions against superfluous hair removal. Or their inexplicably poufy hairdos. Or their shapeless-dress-and-lumberjack-boots combo.

Actually I am mostly scared of the obvious brainwashing as they each parrot the other's statements, almost verbatim. Of their scary baby books full of pictures of women and children with no apparent fathers ever involved. And they all swear they have only nine children, and weren't married until they were 20 or 21. Riiiiiight.

I have no quarrel with "religious freedom" if it only affects the koo koos involved, however, these kids are born into this whack job factory, are given no freedom to choose, AND THEY CANNOT GET OUT. That is, unless they're boys and get kicked off the ranch at a tender age for the crime of bringing their young hot weenuses around girls of their own age, which old guys named Orrin and Nephi find threatening.

Anyway, their mothers wear Army boots.



Thursday, April 17, 2008


I always thought it was screwed up that mothers of young children, other than those who require reconstructive surgery, decide that they need boob jobs. A reduction I would understand, but does Mommy really need to look like Plastic Surgery Barbie...?

Now this book attempts to justify and explain the unexplainable.

(I mean, couldn't one at least wait 'til the kid's older? Then they already know you're f*cked in the head. Like about the time you divorce Daddy (if you ever even bothered to marry him) and they catch you on the couch with Rahoolio, who has come to weed whack your bushes.)

Most disturbing to me is the idea of little boys growing up with circus tits and thinking this is the norm. Best possible outcome being that they are so repulsed that they turn gay. (I know, people don't spontaneously turn gay, I'm just saying...best possible outcome.) Not to mention that breastfeeding after such a procedure would be questionable at best. Enjoy your petrochemical-laced clown tit juice, kids-!

Kids shouldn't be scared because their mommy is having plastic surgery; kids should be scared that THAT IS THEIR MOMMY. Too bad, this book could have been useful, and included a chapter on legal emancipation. Kid has probably left Mom in the dust, IQ-wise, long ago.

I think they should change the title to My Plastic-Assed, Stripper Mommy. or, Mommy Cannot Hug You Because her Water Balloons Will Burst.

I also think I am a closet Republican. Wait, no, it's the Republican moms who are pulling this crap (thank you, Orange County.)



Tuesday, April 15, 2008


My friend was an exchange student to Germany in high school. She tried smiling in her German class photo, and they told her, "SUZANNE STEIN, PLEASE KLOSE YOUR MOUTH."

Ze Germans, they are not liking so much the smiley Jews.

Anyway, I've been wishing some other people would close their mouths lately:

1) John McCain - and not even for the obvious reasons. His mouth is just...too small for his face. Or his teeth are too big for his mouth. Or something. I think I'd go crazy having to listen to him for four (or more) years, just because the way his mouth moves bothers me.

2) Almost all people in commercials. Either their mouths are hanging open for no reason (didn't their mothers ever tell them they'd catch flies that way?) or because photographers tell people to do that (is this supposed to be sexy? Because to me, it just looks like they're about to bite someone.) Watch any cosmetic commercial and you'll see what I mean. They're not smiling, exactly. Their mouth is just hanging open and their teeth are showing. Like a confused Mr. Ed.

3) Speech impediments. There is this woman, I think she did a Corn Flaksshhh, or Cherriosssh, commershial or shumshing. Now some lunatic in advertising has made her the shhhpokespershon for shumshing elsshe; I am not even sure what. I was just sho shocked that sshe keephs getting WORK. Her mouth makes so many weird assed clicks and pops and lisping noises I want to a) fire the ADR people who recorded this monstrosity, and b) go and shhhstrangle Gillian Anderson, because shhhe shhhtarted thisssh, shhomehow *whistle*! (and now she's hoshting Masshterpieshe sTheatre?! And has gotten lip implantshh, which make her shhpitch WORSE?! ShhhhiT.)

She always reminded me of this beaver (just ignore that it's in Finnish - you get the point).

4) Japanimation. I have always hated it because the people, who have no noses, sprout HUGE beads of sweat, and then cannot finish their sentences without saying "Aaaaaaaaaaa...!" I think because the Japanese takes less time to say than the dubbed-in English, so they just fill in the empty space while their mouth is still open with "Aaaaaaaaaa...!" even though they don't appear to be in any imminent danger of, say, a dragon eating their head (unfortunately). At least, that is my theory.

5) That "I Want My MPG" commercial, for what car, I don't even know. They insist on showing both extreme closeups of people's mouths "singing" (gross) and bad dancing. Uggghhh.

6) Chili's! Oh, Christ. There are a bunch of friends riding in a car, and sadly, unlike those other commercials which really annoyed me, where the friends were broadsided violently by another car, they do NOT get broadsided violently by another car. No, they are trying to decide where to go for dinner, and this girl says, "what about Chili'sssssss....?" AND THEN FORGETS TO CLOSE HER MOUTH. FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.

GAH!!! I wish I could reach through the TV and throttle her. Or duct tape her mouth shut. Or force her to wear a Hannibal Lecter mask, so she can never talk, or lisp, or leave her mouth gaping open, or suggest eating at Chili's EVER AGAIN.

I really am not irritable in the least. Just because I want to staple people's lips closed. And superglue their arms to their sides so that they can't make irritating hand gestures for no reason like a tard, either, but that's another post.

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Thursday, April 03, 2008


It just occurred to me, while walking my two-plus-a-foster this afternoon, that I felt far more accomplished after making all three dogs poop than I did in my entire four years working for AssCrack Media.

Closure is good.

P.S. Watch Oprah this Friday, April 4th (click here for times). It's important, and I swear, not Rick Astley.

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