Monday, November 08, 2004


6:30 AM Same asswipe honks his horn for carpool every day at this ungodly hour. Must roll boulder up on roof in order to crush him - SOON.

7:30 AM On bus. Woman is speaking in Spanish at rate of 900 words per millisecond. Actually, doesn't matter what language - no one should be so alert or so loud before noon on a Monday.

8:32 AM Need. Coffee. Boss is rampant, though, must not let him see me lollygagging in kitchen or he will verbally ream me. Hate being thankless grunt.

12:00 Noon Have only rejected rice left over from leftover meal for lunch. Do not like rice. Eat crap from vending machine instead and one muffin with top torn off by anonymous germy-handed individual and left in break room. Do not care.

1:32 PM Woman who is increasingly bitchy to me just snapped again never to give anyone else her mail. Hag, I was only trying to help you, but no more. From now on, your mail goes in "the round file" next to my desk if it lands in my evil paws. Besides, just because you have La Menopause doesn't mean you can be shitty to people who make 1/32 of your salary. P.S. You look like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle on estrogen, only less attractive.

2:10 PM George W. Bush is still president, last I checked. Fuhhhh.

2:15 PM Looked at this, which made me slightly less pissed off in general.

3:10 PM Trying not to be mad at delivery guy for saying I look like a librarian with my new glasses. Should take with grain of salt as he wears poofy, poncey shirts like reject from Ren Faire ca. 1986. However, am not implying that he is gay. If he were gay, he would have some taste.

5:10 PM Where's Cranky? Why does he always wait until the last minute to let me know if I'm needed for this evening? Business, not pleasure, of course. Personally, I want to lounge in the tub with a hunk-o-hunk-o-burning cheese. OH SHIT! IS BALL OF MOZZARELLA IN FRIDGE AT HOME MUST..GET...HOME...IMMEDIATELY.

7:00 PM Did not get home. Got to Cranky's to help with bullshit, only after being ignored and very nearly run over by two a-hole bus drivers. They do not fucking stop, even if you run out into the street, hopping up and down and flailing wildly. Then, as I was walking and cursing to the next stop, where there at least is a bench, another one blew past me. CUNTBUS! Then, nothing for twenty fucking minutes.

I hate bus drivers. I think ignoring people and running them over is the only pleasure they get out of life, besides maybe splashing people when it rains and trying to make old ladies fall down and shatter a hip by starting and stopping too abruptly.

2:00 AM Am having incredibly bizarre cheese-induced dream concerning ex-boyfriend, island vacation, talking chinchilla, and a Filipino side-kick/tour guide. What the fuck?! Reconsider watching Fantasy Island re-runs before bed.

6:45 AM Traveling a-hole follows me all the way to the subway with some bullshit story about needing a AAA when he is actually just hitting on me. First of all, I look extremely insane at this hour and cannot believe anyone would be this desperate. Secondly, it really infuriates me to be approached at all, but especially because I get propositioned by Hispanic or black men exclusively - because it means my ass is too big. Heh. Thirdly, I never even make eye contact if I can avoid it. These guys don't have a clue. They couldn't get laid in a donut factory (wha?) So if someone attempts to talk to you, fucking ignore them, or if you say anything, make it rude. And once again, how the fuck are people horny this early in the morning unless they're still in bed, and can go back to sleep immediately afterwards...? !@#$@##, yarrrrgh.

9:12 AM Fack...! I forgot the mozzarella again...! (Censored rude description of bodily function.)

9:25 AM I still do not have any cheese. Outlook dim. Digestive system, on the other hand, is happy.

10:18 AM That's it. If one more motherfucker is rude or abrupt with me this morning, I am going home "sick" to be with my cheese. Eff 'em all.


Friday, November 05, 2004


In response to the perverted Unknown Googler who Googled this (see title). I'm not really qualified to answer, but here goes:

1. this      51. wedding invitation
2. that      52. five golden rings
3. wiffle ball bat       53. streamers
4. mini-blender      54. wristwatch
5. cactus potato      55. Crisco
6. hairbrush      56. an Eskimo named Nanook
7. squeak toy      57. spliff
8. Post-It reading "get Pap Smear"      58. the best soy latte that you've ever had
9. me      59. Mr. Ed (glue stick)
10. #2 pencil      60. 1/2 dozen roses
11. curling iron (in "off" position)      61. string cheese
12. spork      62. Life's Little Instruction Book
13. dong      63. lawn jockey
14. won ton      64. yard gnome
15. Long Duk Dong      65. pinwheel
16. carrot peeler      66. a thing that goes "hmmm"
17. spatula      67. the purple monster on my desk
18. party tooter      68. dead tarantula
19. a penis      69. postage
20. squeaky toy      70. Hot Wheels
21. corncob pipe      71. Happy Meal
22. button nose      72. Filet O Fish
21. two eyes made out of coal      73. mixed nuts
22. fake moustache      74. tossed salad
23. piano key      75. lava lamp
24. saxophone reed      76. A Republican...not.
25. Drildo™      77. purple weasel
26. overripe banana + yeast = banana bread   78. stunt gerbil
27. kumquats      79. cherry pie
28. starfruit      80. Warrant tape from 1989
29. humuhumunukunukuapua'a      81. steamed asparagus
30. raindrops on roses      82. artichoke hearts
31. whiskers on kittens      83. feather boa
32. bright copper pennies      84. The Vagina Monologues
33. blue satin sashes      85. the Holy Grail
34. snowflakes      86. hole puncher
35. my nose      87. hole in one
36. ice cubes      88. cream cheese
37. Ice Cube      89. lima bean
38. refrigerator magnet      90. map to clitoris
39. a partridge in a pear tree      91. incense
40. your own personal Jesus      92. peppermints
41. Elmo      93. love letter
42. Barney's tail      94. Slinky
43. Heffalumps      95. mouse trap
44. Woozles      96. smuggled drugs
45. Gumby      97. rubber chicken
46. Pokey      98. Silly Putty
47. G.I. Joe      99. bottles of beer/red balloons
48. My Little Pony      100. silly rabbit, Trix are for kids
49. Barbie's entire head      101. Dalmations
50. bonsai     

Items that didn't make the cut:
Glade Air Freshener
red hots
Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer's red nose
a pink carnation
the lime
the coconut
Bacardi Mixers
the Ace of Spades
a shoehorn
Pee Wee Herman
egg beater
an elbow
George W. Bush
What?! That's his name.

That is - mercifully - all for now.


Thursday, November 04, 2004


Apparently, some very confused people have been searching my blog for the answers to these burning (and I do mean burning) questions.

I feel so bad for these lost souls that I will now attempt to answer them.

Are teens inhaling Axe deodorant?

Do they play bad mitten in Paraguay?
When it is cold enough, they do spank their mittens and say, "bad mitten!" to them, yes.

Pepe la pu [sic] girlfriend name
It's Pepé Le Pew. And I don't know...Kitty?! And she was never his girlfriend. He's actually kind of rapey if you think about it.

Pooping in a condom shitting in a rubber
I cannot help you there.

Bing bang walla walla lyrics
Actually, I know this one. They are as follows:
Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang-walla-walla-bing-bang
-from "Witch Doctor" by Sha-na-na

Lyrics ram it ram it ram it up your poop shoot
They are here.

Does putting mayonnaise in my hair make it shine?
Maybe, but then you smell like a gross walking sandwich.

Help trunk won't open.
Don't look at me. I had this same problem. Eventually I broke in through the rear dashboard. Try that.

Felines vs Mormons
Felines have four legs. Mormons generally have two and walk upright, to your house, to bring you a free Book of Mormon.

Cats are also house-trained.

How to get my cat s butt to stop smelling like shit
Stop sniffing it.

Heavy bottomed toy will not fall over
Weebles wobble, but they won't fall down.

Granny are you a buttinsky?
Why, yes. Yes, I am.

Getting rid of grackels
Why don't you ask them nicely to leave...?

How to get rid of underarm roll-on stains
Throw the shirt away.

Is cat shit flammable?
You, Sir, are weird.

What causes chunks of cum?
Eating too much "chunky" style soup. And also, gross.

"Got Milk?" substance
Food stylists use weird non-food substances because it apparently looks better on film than the real deal. I'm not sure about this particular milk spooge, but I'm afraid it might be glue of some sort. Or chunky cum.

What does your asshole taste like
Now how would I know that...?

You advise your grandmother against using mineral oil as a laxative because...
I have no business telling my grandmother what and what not to use as a laxative.

Why do cats smell each others butts when they meet
I'm sure I don't know. Because...they like the smell of cat ass.

To poo or not to poot that is the question
I'm going with "poo".

¿Quien es Rumplestiltskin?
Ruplestilkstin is an extremely pissed off old guy who hated his own name so much he stomped straight through the floor. Kind of like Cranky.

Velveeta expiration date
Velveeta has no expiration date. Enjoy.

Bald men from west of Turkey who poo upside down and eat W
I wish they would. How interesting.

Ball sack hangs in toilet water
Whoa, buddy...that's a real problem. Maybe you should see a ball sack-ologist. If they can reshape the female snoopy (which I find ludicrous and totally unnecessary, unless, say, you're tripping over it or something) - then I am sure there's help for you. And also, my phone number is...

101 things to shove up your vagina
Uh...I'll do this tomorrow. If you insist.




I would like to introduce this large, hairy monster. He is an esteemed one-eyed, one-horned, flying Purple People Eater. I call him "Dick Cheney".


They live on my desk.

Dick Cheney sings and dances, but the little one doesn't do much. He just stands there on his 8 legs, watching Dick Cheney dance and looking all freaked out - much like his namesake.

They are here because I needed some levity. Please send all purple monsters to my desk and I will deal with them accordingly.

Oh, and Mr. President also wants you to know he is actually a dog toy. Squeaky, squeaky.

Thank you.
The Homeland Insecurity Department

P.S. Thank you, Andrew and Killy, for the excellent proposed solutions (marrying a Canadian, etc.) But I hate the cold, and love the swamp. There must be some way we can live in harmony with the resurrected South. I am going to propose the following three measures to help remedy this terrible divisiveness.

1. I am advocating full frontal lobotomies for all of us nutty newspaper readers who somehow failed to vote for Bush.
2. In addition, a laxative has been prescribed for all of us who are scared shitless.
3. Also, I have picked up a Bible and am thumping it repeatedly. So far, no effect but a hollow thunking noise, but I figure if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! This will help bring our country together so we can all live as one.

ONE OF US. ONE OF US. Eyyyeehhhhehehehheheeheheheheh...! *thump, thump*
- Mr. P and Dick


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