Thursday, May 18, 2006


Hello, could I interest you in a Nutrageous Scrat...?

How about a Scurryin' Scrat (Spanish: Scrat Escurridizo)?


What's that? You're trying to cut down a little?

Well, then.

I am actually quite bummed because, while wandering the aisles at Target en route to their pharmacy to purchase shoes and Prozac (what? Shoes are anti-depressants because your feet, in general, do not feel fat), I came across this toy I know Mattel will be pulling almost immediately, because a) it's not on their website, and b) it is funny.

The packaging, not pictured here, is a perverse diorama of the two possums, or sabre-toothed squirrels, or whatever the hell they are, going all Brokeback on each other, in some sort of dorsal-ventral mating pose. One of them is even yelling, "WHEE!"

Ah, here you go...Toss 'N' Tumble Possums. Riiiiiiiight:

Your child will love playing and cuddling with these lovable stuffed possums. When combined, Crash and Eddie measure 10" tall.

Uh, yeah. "Playing" with those 10" "possums" sure is "fun".

Come to think of it? Tug 'N' Talk Sid doesn't look much less perverted:

Tug ‘n’ Talk Sid garbles his speech when the “ice cube” is placed on his tongue.

I'll bet he does, I'll bet he does-! PHWOAAARR...!!!

UP WITH PLUSHIES-!! Let's hope they're at least washable.

P.S. I'm not the only one who's sick...please say a little prayer for him....ZIPPY FOREVER! CANCEROUS TUMORS, NEVER-!

Thank you.


Tuesday, May 16, 2006


Which means I'll be posting my stats again, and attempting to answer any unresolved issues. And issues there ARE:

maxi pad wings i wish they could fly Why...? Wouldn't that be a bad thing?
butt putty + how to prevent farts Try this-! (Nugget Maven's, I presume...?)
grandpa cock
Velveeta expiration It doesn't. I'm pretty sure.
Bleeding in the penis (Hi, J. Grist! This must have been you...)
quincinera reception That would be next door, every Saturday damn night.
cat herpes hormones Cat herpes are everywhere. Why would anyone go looking for them?!
does dog hair stick to microsuede sofa Yes, Virginia, dog hair sticks to everything. Even Chuck Norris.
cat is peeing everywhere all of a sudden What? He's redecorating.
scabby nostril Uh-oh...looks like Zippy's a serial rapist.
mom fistfucks my sister Uh...Child Protective Services? Anyone? Bueller...?
"I want to pinch" crab He es here.
oompah loompahs lollipop guild song GAH! Stay out of my head/nightmares-!
creamy beaver, hotter than a fever SEe?! Never blog about anything that annoys the !@#$ out of you, or it will come back to haunt you in your stats.
does Propel water rot your teeth? Of course it does. I suggest soaking them in something else, maybe gin?
corks for cramps Sounds like a good name for a protest group against menstruation.
two fingers outside the anus region while running a grocery store ??!!
"Injû gakuen 3: Kunoichi-gari" Damn. I don't even know what that sh*t is.

Yep. That about sums me up.


Saturday, May 13, 2006



What's goin' on, Marvin Gaye, in shitty list form:

1) My boss, after maybe 10 yrs. of utter bullsh*t on his part, FINALLY, got fired. He ruled with an iron...something.
2) I have been a nervous damn wreck because he seemed to make me the focal point of this, the Evil Vortex/Source of all His Problems. Which is not uncommon. See: Cranky.
3) Now everyone thinks I, alone, am the reason for said termination. (Like I am some sort of Danger P*ssy/Bond Girl. AS IF I weren't the one asked for some "boxes...large boxes" and told I might want to "take a break, go for a walk, some...stuff is going down", and didn't later have to be gently coaxed out of the bathroom, where I was crying, by a nice man in a white coat on his cell phone.) Some are ready to throttle me based on the fact that that guy had promised them a raise and/or time off for their trip to Hawaii. Whee-! I just love how people set aside their selfish interests for the greater good, don't you...?

As for the reason for said sh*tcanning, well, that I'd rather not go into, but suffice to say, it was, and is, TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. The gossip, though, varies. Some apparently think:
a) it was sexual harassment (please - give the guy some credit)
b) I was having an illicit office romance with another co-worker which conspired to get rid of him; also? That I reported their fool selves to HR, as well, on Mystery Occasions, for various and sundry Mystery Reasons;
c) he was abducted by space aliens, or
d)'uh. It was his own damn fault.
4) Needless to say, I have a) lost 15 lbs. from stress and need to b) go on anti-spazz medication, and/or c) enter the Witness Protection Program. As much as this guy suspected/loathed/cockblocked me from getting anywhere within the company, I'm not entirely sure he won't d) put a bullet in my brain. Lovely.
5) Other than that, I have done (or NOT done) the following...you be the judge:
6) Had a Hasidic Jew with a blowtorch in my crotchial area. I know I'm with Cedars-Sinai®, but this is ridiculous. Hopefully the first and last time a guy with a yarmulke says to me, "please remove your panties."
7) Spent $12.99?! For cat litter?! For them to poop on?! (Thanks, Avatar...now we are kitty litter sisters, or poo sisters, or some sh*t.)
8) A lot.
9) B-b-b-Biddy and the Sh*ts is feeling better even though he keeps trying to make me blow his stomach tube in the night ("...still of the night! Still of the night! STILL OF THE NIGHT-!!!")(wasn't "Blow My Tube" also an 80's hair band anthem?); there is now feeding tube spooge on the ceiling in three different rooms, not including Cranky's; but now Zippy, 17, is not-so-hotsa. HELL. Need to take out insurance policy on my remaining p*ssy.
10) Someone kept calling my cell phone repeatedly at SIX IN THE DAMN MORNING. I ignored it until I could no longer tolerate the intrusion, only to have some chicklette ask who I was, because she had apparently found my number in her boyfriend's cell phone. Great, a jealous psychobitch, I thought, and told her never to call me again. But she did, and left a voice message while I was on my way to work. Here is an exact transcript:

Alright, well, Pisser, or Sandy, or whoever this is, I don't know who this is, but, apparently, your number is in me and my boyfriend's phone book and THAT's why we had called. So, I don't know if you know Angel, I don't know if you're a customer or what, but. Um. I just wanted to see who this was, there's no issue, if you need any, um...party favors, weed, crystal, cane, uh, chiva, anything like that? We got it on deck! ...probably a customer, so, anyway! Sorry about the early call. Didn't mean to do that. Misdial. PEACE.

"Party favors"?! Is that what you kids are calling it these days.

I am halfway wondering if I should sic the fuzz on her, if for no other reason, for calling at SIX IN THE DAMN MORNING, but the way things are going, I think I'd have to start attending N.A. (Narcs Anonymous) meetings. If there even is any such thing.
11) Now what?!
12) Chickenbutt.


Monday, May 08, 2006


The Devil.

I have never farted so much that my a** was actually sore from over-exertion.

Do Not Attempt.


Thursday, May 04, 2006


Huh. If I didn't know better, I would say this woman had read my entry, re: movies that scarred me for life (but in a good way). However, this writer is much more concise, yet...thorough!

Maybe a little too thorough...I can almost feel my eyeballs bleeding all over again (cue: "It Feels Like the First Time" playing cheesily in background). Yow.

However, I would have to add the following cinematic masterpieces to her list of horrific nude scenes:

1) Also Basic Instinct, but I'm more concerned with Michael Douglass' flabby, saggy, leathery, nasty-assed...well, ass, flappin' in the wind. Sharon Stone I don't freakin' mind, though I've heard that she's a bitch on wheels.

2) Whatdoyoucallit. Skin Deep. The one with the glow-in-the-dark condoms + John Ritter. Why?! And now he's dead. This makes it somehow even worse.

(Apparently, 1989 was a good year for bad movies, as it was the same year they made THIS...!):

3) (Witness the horror that is) Road House, the bad Patrick Swayze (as James Dalton, the Wonder Bouncer) movie. It was no Dirty Dancing. Actually, I am one of the 3 people who didn't like Dirty Dancing, either, but anyway. Said nude scene featured some old guy w/ hot young blonde chick w/ bad tan lines ca. 1989 getting caught in a supply closet or something, him pumpin' away at her with his Michael Douglass-type leatherbutt & saying, "you could be my regular Saturday night thing" or similar. Yukkk.

4) I have forgotten 4), as I am still too horrified by 1) and 3).

5) Sideways: SPLAT. And that is all I have to say about that.

...except that I was there for part of the post, and the mixers kept making the caterer, who is Mormon, walk in on the full frontal, male scene. Real nice, guys. Actually, I could have done without ALL of the sex scenes in this movie, thankyouverymuch. Kind of like the rather unattractive people having sex on Six Feet Under, but that is a TV show, and neither here nor there (nor underwear). ("It's not television; it's HBO.") Hell.

I dig nude Kathy Bates, though...respekt to the real woman, funny mama. Plus you get the impression that she just don't give a damn. I like that in a gal...in fact, the fact that all my eyeball poppage has involved men's asses leads me to the conclusion that I am, perhaps, a closeted lesbian.



So, you-! What's detatched your retinas...?


Tuesday, May 02, 2006


Hey-! Look at what all I can score with this nifty health care card I signed up for by payroll deduction...and it's all tax-FREE!:

Eligible Health Care Expenses (See IRS Publication 502)

Alcoholism treatment
Artificial insemination
Artificial limb/teeth
Battery-powered toothbrush (if medically necessary and prescribed by physician)
Christian Science Practitioner fees
Contraceptives (birth control pills, condoms, spermicides)
Cosmetic surgery and procedures to correct congenital abnormality or treat injury resulting from accident
Diapers (if required due to medical condition)
Dyslexia treatment
Fertility treatments (in vitro fertilization, surgery or operations to reverse a prior surgery that prevents you from having children)
Genetic testing
Guide dog or other animal used to assist persons with physical disabilities
Hearing aids and batteries ...not THAT kind of batteries...dang!
Inclinator I don't know what that is, BUT I LIKE IT-!
Lead-based paint removal
Legal fees (fees you pay that are necessary to authorize treatment for mental illness)
Lodging (see IRS Publication 502, - Lodging) "...for your love log"? -Judy Tenuta
Mastectomy-related special bras (the cost over & above the cost of a normal bra)
Mentally handicapped, special home for person adjusting from life in mental institution to community living
Nasal (Breathe-Right) strips
Norplant insertion and removal
Nursing home
Over-the-counter Drugs/Medicines, including anti-diarrhea, anti-fungal ointments and creams, gas relief medicines, hemorrhoid ointments and creams, laxatives, lice treatments, motion-sickness pills, pain relievers (including menstrual pain), yeast infection products
Ovulation monitor
Patterning exercises ?

WoO! Think of all the fun I could have with my new PayFlex dealie. Too bad I only put $300 in there...maybe I can afford one sperm cell, and a turkey baster.

Conversely, the following expenses are not covered (dag!):

Baby-sitting, childcare or nursing services for a healthy baby
Breast pump
Chairs, recliner
Controlled substances (marijuana, laetrile, etc.)
Dancing lessons
Diaper service
Divorce expenses
Hair transplant
Lactation consultant for general instruction
Liposuction or other similar cosmetic treatments
Massage therapy (unless recommended as medically necessary)
Maternity clothes
Paternity testing
Storage fees for embryo, sperm or umbilical cord blood, long term
Surrogate expenses
Tanning salons and equipment
Tattoo removal
Vacuum cleaner for allergies
Varicose veins, treatment of

You know, the only reason those are listed is because some redneck somewhere actually tried to get a La-Z-Boy and hair plugs on the semi-gov'mint dime. The good news is: he can get a vasectomy-! Bad news: he can also get a reversal.



This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?